Monday, May 25, 2009


My LH surge (37 *yawn*) was on May 15, which was a Friday. Ovulation occurs 34-36 hours after the LH surge bla bla techincal talk BLA, so I ovulated sometime on Saturday, Sunday or Monday, depending on which side of the surge the blood test was taken.




Today's test was the (kind of around about) day 21 progesterone test. Blood levels on this day over 10nmol/L indicate ovulation has occured, and levels around about 100 nmol/L suggest you might be forgiven for clutching your hands under your chin and saying shit like "Oh, wouldn't it be lovely if dot dot dot?".

TWO MONTHS of that shit followed by nohting more exciting that a PERIOD means that when you hear THIS shit: "aibee? It's 91 nmol/L", you might be forgiven for slugging on your vodka, drawing back (heavily) on your Benson& Hedges, adding more water to the rocks in your kickass sauna, and dismissing the messenger with a VERY bored "meh".

Then again, wouldn't it be lovely if....?

(and wouldn't it be [questionably] HILARIOUS if dot dot dot question mark because I had actual real ess ee ex on Monday and it ended up being a case of, uh, sorry about that if youknowhatImeanandImsureyoudo no shit you'd think we were NEW at this the way THAT turned out end transmission)

Mother Of The Year

It rained all day yesterday, which I actually like, but it does cramp our social style, so yesterday we didn't even leave the house until after five pm, and then it was to go to the store to buy:
  • a cauliflower
  • bread
  • and a twiggy stick for Daniel.
ie, Thrillsville.

We had tried to leave the house earlier to get to the mall with its indoor teeny, tiny play ground, but on the way to the door, I tripped over a toy truck, and the ensuring chain of events didn't pan out so well.
  • I swore.
  • then I kicked that motherfucker to the end of the damn earth.
  • but it was articulated toy truck so somewhere mid-air, became TWO projectiles.
  • the lighter, less deadly end went that way.
  • and the heavier, pointier, motherfuckinger other end torpedoed straight into Daniel's knee.
  • (aside: which was a feat of magnificence because damn, I had NO idea I could kick loop shots like that)
Daniel almost cried but then COULDN'T because OMGAGONY, and I TRIED not to cry because it was MY fault and I HAD to keep my shit together for HIM because I just DESTROYED his kneecap -BUT OMFG I JUST DESTROYED HIS KNEECAP - and there he was, clinging to me, his ATTACKER, unable to breathe and looking at me and wondering why why WHY his mummy just beat up on him.

I still feel sick just thinking about it.

He sat in my lap and held me tight and then the tears ran down his face but his mouth just stayed wide and gapey with no sound coming out, and I rocked him and told him it's okay and that accidents happen and it never ever means bad things and that I love him SO MUCH, and I only apologised once even though I wanted to keep saying "I'msosorrysosorrysosorry" amd KILL myself by way of penance, but I don't want Daniel to learn from me that saying it once and meaning it isn't enough.

And then he fell asleep, with his arms wrapped around my neck with his head under my chin, and both of us sitting awkwardly on the floor.

And then I fell asleep too, on the FLOOR, and by the time we woke up it was too late for the mall, hence out thrilling trip to the store.

We conducted surveillance on McDonald's afterwards though, and Other Kids were located, so we stopped and went inside. I drank a bucket of decaf cappucino and read the Sunday paper, and Daniel ran around like a lunatic with the Other Kids, and then we came home, him to a warm bath and me to a floor scrubbing session, which I do NOT recommend because scrubbing floors is bad for your health, if this headache I woke up with is anything to go by.

and after Daniel went to bed, I lost my mind.

I hope it's hormones, and know it probably is hormones (other women get PMS. aibee goes nuts between [effective] days 14 to 21) but it feels o real and I'm convinced I'm decompensating FAST.

Today is day 21. I get to go back on 1.25 mg of Valium* this morning and I get to go to the gym and spin through this My Life Is In The Toilet No One Loves Me conviction, and will no doubt be flying with the fairies by 11.20 and wondering what in fuck THIS *gestures widely* was all about because, bunnies, kittens, etc.

Also, today is for blood tests**, which in part explains why I'm up so early. The other part is explained by the waking up every. damn. hour until now, at which point I figured I might as well get up and be (semi) functional.

*four and a half days on, two and a half days off.
Days on = 1.25mg x 2 + 2.5mg at night.
The 2.5mg kicks my ass, but means I don't wake up feeling like agonised shit.
The 1.25mg makes me MORE energetic, gives me CLEARER thinking, and greatly improves my and my son's quality of life. My doctor says this is because a) constant pain and b) my dandy stressfree life AHEM are Heavy Duty, and just enough muscle relaxant redirects the energy it takes to keep mah shit together to doing shit like, you know, actually LIVING.

**because NO SHIT I did another round of Air Traffic Controller insemination. Huzzah.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

happy mothers day

I hope all that it applies to had/is having/will have a great day.

Mine was spent tending, first to the needs of my dumbass back which went *whammo* this morning, and then to the needs of my adorable smooshyface once that valium kicked in.

aside: I know my life is stressful. Not PERCEIVED as stressful, IS stressful, but it's clearly taxing my resources more than I realise to keep a lid on it all because I took a half of the half (what?) valium prescribed to me this morning at my emergency woe is me doctor's appointment, and it gave me MORE energy that I've had in ages. Half the day was spent cleaning and decluttering and moving furniture and whistling merrily away because The Carefree And Possibly Even Happy was IMPRESSIVE and my GOD, the motivation I had to DO stuff was IMPRESSIVE INTENTIONAL BOLD CAPSLOCK ITALIC too.

Then we went to the store soley and specifically to buy me some dark chocolate covered ginger because it's an addiciton and I totally need an intervention of THAT one, then we went to the park and Daniel rode his bike and played with a succession of park visiting children (and again, the minuscule drug hit paid off because I ran around with him and pushed the swing for EVER and didn't feel exhausted like I usually do and was an all round better mother and I'm gonna milk this muscle spasm for a LONG time seeings as the treatment outcome was a] I can feel it but also, what crippling pain? [which was kind of weird because I COULD feel it but didn't give a shit] and b] wheeeeee!) and dug in the sand and lost his mind each time a train went past, and then we went to MacDonald's (AGAIN)(not for the food, geesh. For the COFFEE [me] and the "coffee" *exaggerated wink* [him]) and he got to play with ANOTHER succession of children, and then we went to the store and then we came home and then we read a book together and now he's asleep and I'm looking forward to my second prescribed dose of valium and this time I'm taking the WHOLE half (wahoo!)(also, what?) so THAT should kick my ass in a MOST delicious way, happy mother's day to me, the end.

Monday, May 04, 2009

no surprises here

Remember how I said my funbags don't get all premenstrual on me? Because it's true. They don't, or they didn't, which is I don't get what's up with them NOW.

I mean, they were all whiny and assfaced last month, too, and for TWO months now, my progesterone has gone from sitting in the regular You're Not Pregnant Zone of around 20ish on day 21 - which it did even when I was on progesterone supplements, FORCRYIN'OUTLOUD - to zooming into the stratosphere, and the only explanation I can come up with is that someone, somewhere, is fucking with me.

My period arrived on Satruday, so the answer to the question of when it's due was, obviously, Saturday.

Feeling sad about it is one of the hardest things to do because what I THINK is that I've put myself on this impossible journey, why on earth do I DESERVE to feel sad when I KNOW what the outcome is going to be ANYWAY?

But I DO feel sad, even if I don't know HOW to feel sad, and even if I DO know the sadness is actually quite monumental. I'm not just sad about this month's lost (ridiculous) hope, I'm sad for what the future inevitably holds. I'm SCARED of how I'lll feel when it's all over, because I can't see how I'll EVER be ready to not want more of the lusciousness that's sitting on the sofa watchign Playschool.

If Daniel walked in now, he'd ask me why I was sad, and then he'd hug me, and then he'd tell me HucyTheCat needed to give me a hug, and then we'd group hug, and then I'd feel better and sadder at the same time.

Friday, May 01, 2009

simple maths eludes me

(and to the giant bunch of weirdos who just yelled at their screens, "it's math. MATH!!": it's NOT, because don't call say mathematiC, do we? Now go correct your bunch of weirdo friends)

Okay, so they're just boobs and there is that thing called PMS that generally inflates your hooters to LongLowWhistle proportions anyway. Check on that.

But they still hurt and are kind of hot and also lumpy. SO SEXY.

Anyway, the mathS question is this, because somehow I missed out of fully understanding exactly WHEN your period is due: when is my period due?

Let's assume a standard, tickety boo twenty eight day cycle. (which mine was this time, HOW CONVENIENT)

If day 14 was on the seventeenth of this month, day 21 was LAST Friday, and day 28 was yesterday, when is you period due? Today? Or yesterday?

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