Monday, May 04, 2009

no surprises here

Remember how I said my funbags don't get all premenstrual on me? Because it's true. They don't, or they didn't, which is I don't get what's up with them NOW.

I mean, they were all whiny and assfaced last month, too, and for TWO months now, my progesterone has gone from sitting in the regular You're Not Pregnant Zone of around 20ish on day 21 - which it did even when I was on progesterone supplements, FORCRYIN'OUTLOUD - to zooming into the stratosphere, and the only explanation I can come up with is that someone, somewhere, is fucking with me.

My period arrived on Satruday, so the answer to the question of when it's due was, obviously, Saturday.

Feeling sad about it is one of the hardest things to do because what I THINK is that I've put myself on this impossible journey, why on earth do I DESERVE to feel sad when I KNOW what the outcome is going to be ANYWAY?

But I DO feel sad, even if I don't know HOW to feel sad, and even if I DO know the sadness is actually quite monumental. I'm not just sad about this month's lost (ridiculous) hope, I'm sad for what the future inevitably holds. I'm SCARED of how I'lll feel when it's all over, because I can't see how I'll EVER be ready to not want more of the lusciousness that's sitting on the sofa watchign Playschool.

If Daniel walked in now, he'd ask me why I was sad, and then he'd hug me, and then he'd tell me HucyTheCat needed to give me a hug, and then we'd group hug, and then I'd feel better and sadder at the same time.

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