Saturday, March 09, 2013


Daniel's not an idiot so he's not being a dismissive twat because he hasn't worked out cause and effect. He's making a conscious decision to close his ears (and raise my blood pressure), and honestly, because he's NOT stupid, THAT's why I find this so difficult. We're a team, I tell him. Respect, consideration, bla bla bla bla chuffing BLA. He gets three shots until the Voice Of God is engaged, not because I've lost it but because I HAVE to use it to get stuff done, and I don't like using that voice because a) ouch, and b) it's a never ending cycle where my voice is going to get sterner and sterner until I'm yelling for him to hear me, never mind listen.

So how do you short that circuit when you've already taken his stuff away and the only voice he hears is the one you make the decision to use because talking to him like he has ears? DOESN'T WORK.

And his ears work juuuust fine because I've tested them using the old, whispering softly from the kitchen, Would You LIke A Gift? ruse, and dude passes EVERY TIME. He's also a slow learner because he falls for it EVERY TIME. so I take this into consideration when expecting the cause and effect thing to register with him before I sign the adoption papers.

There's no lego or reading until he's dressed and his teeth are brushed. His brand new nerf gun (NOT my purchase, but none of the fuckwits around me who call themselves "family" are on board with me here because, while we have an amnesty of buying him anything because of this bs,  they're all, oh he's fine and here, have another gift) (and we are a gun family because have you ever shot up your Christmas tree with Nerf? It takes Freakin' Awesome to a whole new level)

I HATE having to go all stern on his ass to get him to put a fucking pair of pants on.  When it comes to tht - which it always does - I feel like shit, so I feel like shit a whole lot of the time because he mentally shuts me out, like, ALWAYS. May be it's my love language or whatever the hell, but when I'm ignored, I feel unloved and insignificant. My cross to bear, and I'm working on it, but still, I'd like to not NEED to rewire a lifetime of programming to cope with my kid.

My instructions are simple, single directions that I've learned through research (I even do fucking RESEARCH) that simple instructions like "Get dressed" are more effective on boy brains than something highly complex like "get dressed then brush your teeth" but nope, nothing. When he gets up, it's "get dressed now, darlin", and he's all "okay!" and happyfacehelpful, but unless I stand over him, it'll take until I get my DO IT NOW voice on for things to happen, and even then, no guarantee.

After I've taken away his lego or book, he'll sit and stare into space and, seriously, unless he tells me he's contemplating particulate theories, as far as I'm concerned, that ain't putting your pants on.

Then the same thing happens with brushing his freakin' teeth. He's been to school in his pyjamas before, and his hair is never brushed because I don't care if he goes to school looking like a hippie. Even the, it's not that he doesn't DO stuff, it's that he chooses to not register my voice.

We talk when the situation isn't happening. We're a team and I need him to consider what matters to me, and it matters to me that we're not late bla bla bla.

I tell himt my instructions make his life easier - he doesn't need to think, stuff gets done, and we start our day well and there's no bad juju.

He's lost lego, been grounded, has been denied pool privileges (we dont have a pool, we go to the pool, and we went to the pool and he wasn't allowed in. You'd think, right? And yet), and has demonstrated time and time again his complete lack of attachment to his possessions and potentially awesome events, which is cool but denies me any bargaining power. We have a No TV rule here too, because tv makes his brain fall out for at least 24 hours, and fuck that shit, seriously.

He lies now too which, aargh.

Has he fed the cat? yes. So she has water and food for today? Yes.


He sounds like an asshole and in writing this down, oh my god, HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE, but he's also a really nice kid who wants to do well but can't get a handle on not being giant wanker, and it's my job to help him not be a giant wanker, so if one if us is failing more here, it's me.

The Positive Feedback For Positive Change plan is in action because it always has been, but there's only so many times you can say "Whoa dude. You've done a great job with your teeth. SO SHINY!" without him giving enough of a shit to repeat the action to earn more praise before you realise he's a freaking' buddhist and doesn't mind if that praise is for a one off, singular event .

It's like living with Ghandi. AND YET.


This is so not helpful, but I totally laughed out loud at the wanker reference. Because I have a wanker too.. and yes on that two-step thing. NEVER happens. "Hey Colin, put these socks in the dresser and throw that whateverIhandhim away." Ten minutes later I find his socks on the sofa and he's staring at the computer screen.

So anyhoo.. I feel your pain. If you find a miraculous way to get a boy to register anything other than what he so chooses, then please share. And know one day you'll look back on this and laugh because he will have a child JUST.LIKE.HIM.

By Blogger Angie, at 3:08 PM  

Years ago, when I came to get Daniel from some childmindy playroom or another, one of the attendants was watching him as his brains visibly exited his head via his eyeballs as he watched TV.

"So", she asked me, "what's his father like?"

By Blogger aibee, at 2:24 PM  

Oh dear. lol

By Blogger Angie, at 9:35 AM  

I dunno its a difficult one. Maybe they have already learned through observation that women are not to be taken too seriously or whatever. I just observe the way my son is with his dad ad see there is some different thing going on where he can be way more tougher consequent than I am and my son has a certain fear of being on his bad side - but he has never been hit and my husband has never yelled at him - just completely to the point, like it or lump it type and no giving in. Whereas with me, my son is a bit more like you describe Daniel. For example my son has just moaned at me about going shopping - as he hates it. My guy just came in and heard about it and said to him calmly - ok you dont have to go shopping but you can phone everyone who is invited to your party tomorrow and tell them its not going to happen now - as we have to get stuff for that. My son said hardly anything and probably wont complain again. Anyway, good luck with it and sympathies as it is hard.

By Anonymous Kim, at 2:41 AM  

Thanks for sharing the information.

By Anonymous vikramsingh, at 10:40 PM  

Thank you for sharing

By Anonymous anver, at 5:19 PM  

its not helpful

By Anonymous Raj, at 8:02 PM  

They eventually grow up. Hopefully before 20. I had 3 boys 1 girl and yep, I can relate to your dilemma. "if you don't like me yelling, then acknowledge that at the very least you heard me" "if you did what you know you should do, then I won't be yelling"

When I first was reading your post I thought you were talking about your husband/bf then it came to the lego & while it could still be your hubs/bf, I checked out your other blog & did the math, son is about 12yrs. old. Yep, his behaviour sounds right. I pinned #1 son up against the wall once (& only once) " you may be taller than me but I'm still your mother and you WILL listen to me"

He's still hugging & talking to me-he's 37 & father of 4.

Hang in there & keep up the good work. You're bound to find what works with him. Maybe a trip to volunteer at a homeless shelter? (aversion tactic)

By Blogger Libby, at 10:18 AM  

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