Tuesday, March 31, 2009

updated fyi

I'm pretty sure I'm NOT pregnant.

of anyone thinks otherwise, please submit your reasons here because I WANT to think that maybe I am.

Sure, my boobages are sore (and lumpy. Jesus god, what is THAT all about??) and I'm a bit mood swingy cranky, and I HAVE felt "different" this last week, I don't feel different ENOUGH. IN any case, anything "different" I've been feeling can be neatly away by a progesterone level I've never seen before, and that level can be explained away by I don't know. I have NO idea how my progesterone got up that high in an unstimulated cycle but I bet being an old fart has a lot to do with it.

AND, my belly is too flat. Or, it is when I wake up. It DOES get to Is She Or Isn't She proportions by the end of the day, but all in all, too flat.

Speaking of which, my belly is FLAT.

Ever since I had Daniel, people have been eyeing off my poochy midsection and crowing "oh, and you're PREGNANT again!".

Which you should NEVER do unless the woman in question is CROWNING right in front of you.

I did all my core strength thing but I might as well have been doing NOTHING because NOTHING worked and I just accepted the pooge as a) old age and b) once upon a time I had a baby AND I'm old aged.

Then I had that boring back injury last year, and after a long time of poking and prodding and not getting anyway with my physiotherapist, I finally said "look, you can wiggle your finger into that sore bit in my back FOREVER, but it's not making it better. Give me some rehab already oh look this is a PILATES studio. Ever think about THAT, bozo?", so I started doing Pilates not that long ago. The new physio jammed her fingers into my tummybits and then told me to clench my undercarriage as hard as I could. So I CLENCHED and she said "So, incontinence is a problem then".

Because my pelvic floor (which you can feel in your tummy, nothing weirdo was going on that day, okay?) was THAT weak.

It's not, and I wasn't, by the way, but still. THAT weak. HOW EMBARRASSING.

I mean, I've been SHARING my actual pelvic floor this entire time and since June last year, it's gone from being able to shoot ping pong balls across the room to Is It In Yet? and I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. OH THE SHAME INTENTIONAL CAPSLOCK

But anyway, I started doing one-on-one Pilates sessions three times a week, doing the MOST basic stuff and FAILING, which was MAJOR suck, but now I'm up to two classes a week and one private session, and soon I'll be let loose in the studio on my own, and suddenly, like about two weeks ago and seemingly overnight, my pooge went flat...okay, flatTER. It's almost like before I had Daniel - and I'm FOUR years older now so I'm in the Automatic Pooch Zone ANYWAY.

Pilates, people. It will ANNIHILATE your pooch.

And jesus H, after that s,idebar where was I?

Three and a half weeks pregnant IF I'm pregnant, which I don't think I am because I don't feel pregnant except for the boobs and the crankypantsedness, and shouldn't I be CONSTIPATED by now?

(which is a throw away clue if you want to answer this question: Guess who can poop?)

I WAS headachey last week, I DID have cramps, and it DID feel like someone had stuck a sandbag in my pelvic cavity during that time too.

So I don't know what the fuck. I'm all signless this week. Except for the boobs and the crankypants that can be explained by 100nmol/L progesterone thing that can be explained by being pregnant. Which I am NOT.

Then again, nothing has been peed on yet, not even the cat (what?), so I guess it's not over until it is.

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