day 1

Usually I feel sad, dust myself off and aim for the next round. Last night I cried. I think I also did that thing where you punch the crook of your elbow with one fist and kind of power fist the person you've got the skeeves with with the other. So I kind of power fisted the sky-icular region. Because I am classy like that.

Actually, I could cry now, just like that *snaps fingers* but but Daniel's circulating and crying makes my eyes look like this *points to face*, and really, it's not very practical.

Which are rules for ME. I FULLY advocate ANYONE ELSE sobbing and weeping and rending their garments because showing emotion IS practical. It's too hard for me though, to let go. Too hard after YEARS of being Resilient and Tough and god help me, WHERE ARE MAH VIOLINS??

I would say I don't know why this particular Fail is so awful, because last night when I was clueless (ie IN DENIAL) I was all "WHY AM I SO UPSET IT'S JUST A DAMN PERIOD", but I know why.

After this month, and then the next and the next, it's over. Hopes and dreams and whatever shit gets me through two weeks of every month won't exist any more. I've been able to deal with how fucking hard this all is because of those two weeks, and I'm looking down the barrel of despair and soon there will be nothing to save me from that except time.

There's the old chestnut "at least you have Daniel" or that other (equally as irritating) one, "you should be happy you have Daniel" but you know what? Fuck that. He's WHY I'm doing this.

It's not like I'm all "well THAT one was a dud, let's see if I can make a BETTER one", you know?

So while Daniel DOES make me (so! very!) happy, having him also makes me sad too, because if it wasn't for him, I'd have no idea what I lost, and no concept of what I'm missing now.

I'll make this quick

I got my period a half hour ago, and even though it wasn't isn't never is a surprise, it still sucks so exquisitely I can't find the words.

two updates! one day!

and neither of them substantial!

So I'm trying to get us out of the house again to meet some friends in t minus NOWNOWNOW and Daniel is being a total space cadet, probably because we've been at a birthday party this afternoon. Not that he's on a sugar high though, maybe just an overload of social activities or I don't know. Whatever, really. Whatever it takes to make a pre schooler kind of okay a LOT frustrating (narrowing it down well there, aibee!)

General party observation: Every other kid there crammed its food hole with birthday food. My son ate NOTHING.

Then five minutes after we left and while in the car from Point A to Point B, he's all "I'm huuuuungry".

WTF, kid? SRSLY.

half assed updating

I think my period is due today. It usually - except for that one assholeish time - comes exactly fourteen days after my LH surge, which we missed documenting, if not taking advantage of AHEM this month because...oh, never mind.

In short, my (undocumented) LH surge was on a Sunday and we know this because of the "estrogen rises and falls and LH levels peak in the middle indicating bla bla bla" bullshit, and the clinic isn't open on a Sunday so no bloods were taken, ta da.

My progesterone was a wimpy 42 last week, but mah rack is all "BACK OFF, MUTHAFKR".

And with that, you may now consider yourselves In The Loop :)

in which he sings

disclosure

I've been to the gym three times in four weeks and I'm not kidding, my ass has dropped.

...and I thought the internet might want to know.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

tumbleweeds go here

I straightened my hair. WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN DOING THIS FOR, LIKE, EVAH?

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I went outside last night and saw this really bright light ZOOM through the sky. Maybe it WAS a shooting star and NOT an Alien Spaceship, but it fucking WASN'T because there was this OTHER light in the sky that was flashingflashingflashing and it WASN'T a plane because plane lights go "flash.....flash...flash.." and THIS light was going NUTS, and it was SO FAR AWAY it HAD to be halfway to MARS, so it was the Alien Spaceship's scout. NO SHIT.

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I keep waking up at dawn (this morning, 5.24! Awesome!) to worry about shit. It's really kind of sucky.

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I've been sick for three weeks now, and that's really kind of sucky too.

I'm not sick sick anymore, but am so godawful tired I can hardly move but I have a three (almost four!) year old so have spent the better part of the last three weeks not resting up and getting over it so here we are.

My superawesome personal training client called on Sunday to confirm our session on Monday and said "You sound AWFUL. Now I'm not your mother but here goes: I'm cancelling, and you need to NOT do anything AT ALL for at least two days. Put Daniel in childcare, book him in for AT LEAST another day this week, then go home and watch TV. Call me Tuesday night so I know how you are because I worry." which is the kind of thing I say to others but never hear back so it was SO GOOD TO HEAR.

I've had other people say "You'll be fine! Come out anyway!" when really I'm not, which is nice too because it's nice to be wanted, but to have someone LOOK AFTER ME about killed me. So I took her advice and did NOTHING yesterday and I DO feel better today. Except now I've got to fight this Feeling So Much Better! thing and actually NOT do anything for at least another day.

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Actually, I DID do ONE thing yesterday, and now the two week wait begins.

this child o' mine

Daniel 's not even four but on some days I think he's, like, fifteen or something, based on his proximity to the remote control, and conversations such as these:

Me: "Brush your teeth please, mate. We're leaving soon bla bla etc"
him, in exasperation: "oh, alRIGHT" and then he practically rolls his eyes as he stomps off like some poor put upon child slave.

My favorite is when he says "are you coming, mum, or WHAT?' when I'm futzing around too slowly for his majesty.

He's got a bike at Easter, a real one, all green with a honking horn rather than a bell and it's a freakin' GIANT.


And soon he'll be driving and then he'll have a girlfriend, get married, and LEAVE HOME.

I can barely stand thinking about kindergarten, much less, you know, the rest of my LIFE yawning ahead of me with Daniel off with some other woman.

Yes.

to continue.

Now ask me if I've done anything about kindergarten.

...

No. Of course not.

But!

Daniel been taking swimming lessons since, ooh, April? At this age, they're more Not Sinking Like A Rock lessons, even though even after four months of this he still does-and it's not like he's not adept, it's just that lessons these days aren't about survival skills, they're about stroke acquisition, which I think is pretty ridiculous. I mean, they're THREE, how about some dog paddle? I dunno. Daniel, thank god, has loved his lessons pretty much from Lesson 1, which IS a bonus because for some of the kids, they might as well be called Screaming Lessons for the first few weeks.

Daniel's biggest trick when he's in the pool is to yell "WATCH ME!!" and bob under the water....


...and then bob back up again and shouting "DID YOU SEE THAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN?" and then doing it all over again, repeat.

We're at home right now, and have been for six seven. stinking. days of me coughing up goob and trying to remember if life ever came without the Headache Option included, and Daniel has been excellent company, and I'm not even kidding. You'd think by now we'd be stir crazy, but we're not. Me because I'm too sick to care, and him because he really IS that awesome. Having said that, he right now this second asked me "WHERE ARE WE GOING??", and dealt with the "Nowhere, kiddo. We're staying right here again today *coughsplutterUNCLE*" rather well ie he said "okay!", and went and got the remote control and his Night Garden blanket and snuggled up next to me on the sofa, aaaand, it looks like we're watching some more Thomas The Tank Engine episodes.

He just kind of....adapts, I guess. Like, remember how he broke his collar bone a couple of weeks ago? He lasted about two and a half weeks with the sling until it broke irreparably after being McGyvered repeatedly with safety pins and bread ties for at least two of those weeks, because he was all doing the down dog, running around, and generally freaking me out with his broken collar bone antics, because while he was REALLY good about keeping his arm in the sling, he kept using his arm anyway, the little freak.

I guess if it hurt, he didn't do it, but he handled that whole time so well I kept thinking we must have got someone else's x-ray because NO WAY could THAT collarbone be broken.


Then we got a new x-ray maybe three weeks after the first to check on its healing bizzo and there it was, a FULL THICKNESS FRACTURE ie he'd snapped his collarbone is HALF, which was easier to see when it had started healing because I have no idea why. Increased bone density at the fracture site or some shit. ANYWAY, it's healed now, and he's got a nice little bump where the fracture was, and an another x-ray due in a few weeks, and that should be that.

right side, demonstrating how the left side SHOULD look

POINT BEING. Dude just rolled with it, I think is the point.

In other news, we've been collecting and recollecting (the same fucking) caterpillars for over a week now, and Daniel would like you to know "IT'S A BABY CATERPILLAR LOOK IT'S A BABY A BAYBEE". So look,

It's a baby caterpillar.

I've been trying to upload a video of caterpillars because I KNOW you all want to see that too, but for some reason, it won't upload. Cue collective moan of disappointment, I KNOW.

So we catch catepillars every morning, which is to say, Daniel points at but refuses to touch the them, and I pick them up and put the in the Caterpillar Containment Device. Then they eat the living shit out of the selected grasses and weeds we've chosen for them based on their particular palate, and when Daniel's asleep, I release them to the wilds ie I dump them on the lawn again.

I've learned that caterpillars are NOT migratory creatures because we generally find all but one again the next day - We have one lone caterpillar left in the containment device as I type, and we started out with twelve. We've seen butterflies as caterpillars though, and I like to think they're OUR caterpillars, transformed! and that none of OUR caterpillars have become bird food, because that would NEVER EVER happen.

Daniel loves Hollie too has no problems with picking her up and carrying her around. The end.