Tuesday, September 29, 2009

day 1

Usually I feel sad, dust myself off and aim for the next round. Last night I cried. I think I also did that thing where you punch the crook of your elbow with one fist and kind of power fist the person you've got the skeeves with with the other. So I kind of power fisted the sky-icular region. Because I am classy like that.

Actually, I could cry now, just like that *snaps fingers* but but Daniel's circulating and crying makes my eyes look like this *points to face*, and really, it's not very practical.

Which are rules for ME. I FULLY advocate ANYONE ELSE sobbing and weeping and rending their garments because showing emotion IS practical. It's too hard for me though, to let go. Too hard after YEARS of being Resilient and Tough and god help me, WHERE ARE MAH VIOLINS??

I would say I don't know why this particular Fail is so awful, because last night when I was clueless (ie IN DENIAL) I was all "WHY AM I SO UPSET IT'S JUST A DAMN PERIOD", but I know why.

After this month, and then the next and the next, it's over. Hopes and dreams and whatever shit gets me through two weeks of every month won't exist any more. I've been able to deal with how fucking hard this all is because of those two weeks, and I'm looking down the barrel of despair and soon there will be nothing to save me from that except time.

There's the old chestnut "at least you have Daniel" or that other (equally as irritating) one, "you should be happy you have Daniel" but you know what? Fuck that. He's WHY I'm doing this.

It's not like I'm all "well THAT one was a dud, let's see if I can make a BETTER one", you know?

So while Daniel DOES make me (so! very!) happy, having him also makes me sad too, because if it wasn't for him, I'd have no idea what I lost, and no concept of what I'm missing now.

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