Thursday, July 02, 2009

if I could reach it, I'd totally kick my uterus's ass

Not pregnant.

Thing is, I've been keeping notes for the last five months of Cycle Observation. The unit thinks I'm a whackjob, but I when I call for my results, I ask for the numbers, not just vague shit like "you're heading toward a surge", or "yes you ovulated last week". I want the detaily details and I can write them down on the corresponding page in my diary because somewhere in my head, they make sense.

I did one of those online intelligence tests once upon a time, on that assessed the TYPE of intelligence you have as well as your IQ, and according to that, my brain does some kind of sequence recognition shit, in that I can predict patterns and create patterns and recognise patterns and patterns patterns patterns bla bla BLA, and it was a RELIEF to read a generic explanation of an actual recognisable and KNOWN manner of thought, because it exactly described ME, and if it was on the internet, it had to be RIGHT, and also, maybe I wasn't such a freak after all because hey, there were 0.2 per cent of OTHER freaks in the whole population of earth that think the same way so I'm not alone, but they probably all hide in laboratories and think up mathematical equations and stuff, which I do not, and the people I DO mix with ie the 99.8% of the population who DON'T think like that, always tell me to not think so much ie to NOT BE ME because I'd be SO MUCH HAPPIER if I wasn't ME and I probably would be if I could perform miracles like self lobotomies but I CAN'T so fuck off.


What that means to YOU, sportsfans, is that when I say stuff, you can pretty much assume it's not going to be random.

I get my period within fourteen days of my LH surge, not usually, not maybe. ALWAYS, and while five months tracking LH surges might not be a 100% reliable predictor of future unterine bahaviour, it's a pretty good one.

So when I come out and say things like "Pregnant?!", it's NOT just wishful thinking. It's because holy fuck, y'all, I MIGHT BE pregnant.

Even the unit told me "Monday at the latest, this is looking good" when I called Tuesday to ask when I was due because I figured I must have stuffed up the dates somehow.

And then I got my period yesterday, a full seventeen days after it was due, because my body hates me and wants me to be miserable.

And because the Universe likes a good joke, I was also on the phone with my mother at the time which made the whole experience a BILLION times more enjoyable.

Every other month, I've had a period. This month, I've lost a dream.

And that hurts.

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