my rack

The first thing I did this morning was put on a bra because I really don't dig being whapped in the face by one (or both!) of my boobs.

Or as Daniel calls them, "bewbs".

The next thing I did was take it off again because I really don't dig having bits of myself smooshed out of my bra cups and into my armpits, so the NEXT thing I did was find that bra that never really fit before but now, aaaah, relief.

DON'T GET EXCITED

But!

The ONLY period in my LIFE I've ever EVER EVER willingly, no, desperately donned a bra fifteen seconds after standing up in the morning began almost exactly four years ago, and ended more than two years after that.

(also, holy canoli, you haul! Dig all those words! I used to WRITE STUFF *shockface*)

I'm not exactly all "OMGOMGOH!MAH!GAWD!". I'm more in the "Wow, would you LOOK at these things. How did THAT happen?" camp. I suspect too, that if I were a guy, I'd be STILL be standing in front of the mirror with my eyes bugging out of my head, what with the being smack bang in the middle of the "PHWAAAAR" zone and all.

There are no other signs of bunintheovenitude, so keep your hats on. Or not! I mean, I'm doing that Lift One Foot, Place It In Front Of The Other, Repeat thing for quite some time now, so I'd LOVE it if someone wants to get all excited, PLEASE DO! If you think the Boob Sitch is reason enough TO get excited.

the internet: BUT THEY'RE NOT THAT BIG.

tales from the outbox

Found, attached to an email I sent way back in June, 2007.

No kidding, the things you do when you're avoiding writing class plans, eh?

This is the ONE and ONLY iMovie blockbuster I've ever made because Jesus H, people, that shit is HARD.

ANYWAY.

Enjoy. Or not. Your choice :)

resulty goodness

Day 21 progesterone this month came back at 65 whatchamacallits, which is (bla bla *yawn*) a very good level if you're looking to get knocked up.

Thing is, it was Negative Nurse who gave the results and even SHE went beyond "good" and into the "great" zone. With exclamation marks.

So maybe I SHOULD get excited?

(discuss)

Sixty five whatevers also explains the Gigantorboobs - which are quite impressive (to me, everyone else in the world is still looking at my b cups and wondering what all the fuss is about), and it also probably explains my losemyshitacular mood.

So now we wait. Until Saturday, which is a throwaway, if you've taken to keeping detailed notes on mah stuff.

(oops) I did it again

I went in for more Day 21 bloods on Friday because ho yes, I DID go ahead with another donor insemination cycle, so bla bla, it's not over til the fat lady sings bla but I'm pretty darn sure I ain't no knocked up chick.

The whole thing has been so rote this month, not that it wasn't last month, but last month my body was all "mreowww!", and this month I was all "what? you're kidding? I'm OVULATING??" ie So! Not! RRRRRandeh! and because of which, it kind of surprised me that I was actually fertile AT ALL this month. Easter break probably had something do do with it (not that religious holidays kill my libido, but because I don't really know why that might have been a factor oh look something shiny), and the fact that the unit fucked up my dates.

I told them I got my period on the third, and they told me to come in on day ten to start a new cycle. "Come in on the fifteenth", they said, WHICH DOESN'T ADD UP. Which I knew but didn't really care about because the theme of this month appears to be Whatthefuckever, Dude.

So! The whole shebang took place on the seventeenth and eighteenth of this month.

The [euphemism] procedure [/euphamism] (aside: the inseminator thing is about 3 feet long NO KIDDING and the only way I can explain that amount of superfluous length is I CAN'T) on the seventeeth was with TWO nurses standing at my business end of things because one was a LEARNER and this was the FIRST time she'd done it, and why not have as many people as possible crammed in a room and looking at my girlparts. The experienced nurse talked The Learner through, and LN did well, then ExN turned away for an instant and LN chose that moment to extract the speculum, which she did by winding it closed - which was joyous for my twat but So! Not! advisable following an insemination procedure - and whipping it out. Experienced nurse has explained to me THREE times (ie each day of the last month's effort) that it ISN'T a good idea to do a) the winding down or b) the whipping out, because of the potential for the deposited whatevers to unpool itself from the front porch of your cervix on the winding down, and to go flying through the air (okay, OKAY. Leak out) on the Whipping Out, so when she turned back and saw the Ta Da! moment as the speculum was theatrically flourished in the air (OKAY! REMOVED WITH NO FANFARE. AT ALL. But STILL), her eyes flared a little before she got a grip and didn't slap her hands across her horrified mouth. My guess is LN got a quick primer on speculum removal shortly thereafter.

On the morning of the eighteenth, a) I had to drop Daniel off at a sitter at fucking 7am which is worth a mention because MY GOD, and b) the nurse was that negative one that says dumbass things like "your bloods are looking good, which is SURPRISING/AMAZING/UNBELIEVABLE considering you're an old hag, look at your AGE", and who does dumbass things like whipping out the speculum so fast she flung the [airquotes] reproductive material [/airquotes] all over the wall. OKAY. It leaked onto the sheet under me, BUT STILL, it did as much good there as it would have had it been wallpapered. I was pretty pissed about that because she should have known and done better because she's done this a BILLION times. She didn't seem to give a crap though, probably because she thinks I'm wasting her time anyway, what with The Old and all, upshot being, TWO days' of business ended up in places other than where it was meant to be, ie on the sheet under my ass and no where near my damn cervix.

So no doubt this month will be filed under I Spent A Lot Of Money And All I Got Was This Wet Patch.

But still, day 21 bloods were done and I'll call for results tomorrow, not because I think I maybe just could be pregnant, but because numbers keep me sane. I get a certain (weird, no doubt) satisfaction from getting the technical information. Probably because I' m weird.

*splash*

First swimming lesson!

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen

We'll wait a week for his new 'do to settle and or reach its peak appeal factor, and then if it still warrants, we'll do something about reducing the Cousin It slash Westie resemblance then.

Twenty bucks says that even if Daniel is brushing his hair back to expose his eyeballs and telling me "mummy I can't SEE", none of this will actually happen and no cuts will ensue and his hair will grow and grow and people will start thinking he's a girl again. Which they do already because of The Pretty.

But!

His hat fits again!

What'll likely happen is this: we'll get him a shorter cut when it's springtime again ie in five months, so then he'll have all of summer to grow it back to being a toasty warm insulating layer on his head just in time for NEXT winter ie in a YEAR.

I call this: planning a head.

OH HAR.

haircut

Daniel had one yesterday.




His last cut was short and cute



but it's coming into winter so some kind of built in beanie action would be sensible, you know? But when I said "Leave a bit of length in", I think the stylist heard me say "give him a mullet".



She took ages to do it, and she's chipped into his hair A LOT, so A LOT of it ended up on the floor, so technically speaking, she's done a GREAT job of preserving the length because he looks like the kid you figure is DUE for a haircut



I...don't really like it.

What do YOU think?

things to do today

1. Go here
   


2. Vote for Kaelan, aged 9


3. Pass this (VERY! IMPORTANT!) message on


4. Squee!

negativo, dudes

Blood results came back yesterday and I'm not pregnant, not even a little bit, which is SO not surprising, but saddish nonetheless.

"Saddish" because I can't think about how I feel.

"Saddish" because this was just (in wanky bunny ears air quotes) lost hope.

Nothing more, nothing real.

You know, I don't feel I've earned the right to just be SAD.

Losing a pregnancy is losing something and someone that exists. A failed IVF cycle hurts just as much as losing a pregnancy, and each embryo that either doesn't make it to freezing or doesn't survive its thaw has an exquisite pain all of its own that equals that of a failed IVF cycle.

Meanwhile, on the one hand I'm all "thanks for the superhigh progesterone level, Universe. It was PEACHY!", and on the other I'm shaking my fist at that bitch, all "what the HELL was up with THAT shit? Quit fucking with me. Jesus.".

And changing the subject DRAMATICALLY, I'm teaching my first ever ever ever EVER spin class today and I feel SO SICK right now. Not because I'm harboring some kind of germ or anything, because I'm SO FREAKIN' NERVOUS. If by "nervous" I mean "LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE UPPERCASEUPPERCASEUPPSERCASE".

I was going to DO the class this morning anyway because I LOVE SPIN, then I got a call and the girl who normally teaches (a bitchin') class is sick and could I teach it instead I was all "yeah, sure, no problemo!" because apparently I am a consumate LIAR because there sure IS a problemo, and the problemo is NOT limited to the FACT that I truly and honestly feel like I am going to DIE.

still over (but)

Show of hands who had their period when they were pregnant?

Not that I'm pregnant, but fuck it, what if I AM?

I mean, the only sign I'm NOT pregnant is my period. The one that's SO light it lasted for two days, really only needed one light pad a day, and is now only a spot or so every few hours.

I don't feel pregnant, right? Which is EXACTLY how I felt when pregnant a) with Daniel, and b) Bill and Ted.

Then there's that 100nmol/L thing that even the reproductive unit are saying is weird.

And I'm still crabby, and SO tired I couldn't get out of bed for a blood draw this morning. I had one this afternoon instead though, so god knows when the results will be back in.

Stay tuned.

it's over because it is

So.

I guess I'll do it all again next month.

Thank you for being the only people I can share this with.

This is all so private, this mission to create a family while single, poor, and old, because Single, Poor and Old also looks kind of Stupid, Misguided, and Delusional, even to me, so I keep it to myself, go alone to appointments, and don't talk to anyone about how this all feels.

It, for what it's worth, feels stupid and misguided and delusional, but what if it's not? What if it's NOT?

And that's why I keep going.

I look at my precious, precious son, who is EVERYTHING to me. Having him was all I could ever want, and that's WHY he's not enough. BECAUSE he's everything. He's filled my life with so much of everything that his very existence leaves big gaping holes where there could be more of everything crammed in, a thousand times over.

If we never get another child to share our lives with, that's okay too, and if that happens, Daniel WILL be more than enough because he already IS.

You all have a great day.

xx

motion this

The lawyer (not THE lawyer) I engaged/hired/whatever one does with a lawyer last year impressed me during our first interview, which is why I whatevered him in the first place. Then at our second interview I was all "what the FUCK, dude? Who ARE you??".

He wanted to settle the case now for a paltry sum because "the insurance company is being difficult", which - correct me if I'm high here - IS THEIR JOB. They're HARDLY going to pay my bills because someone asked them to, and my understanding (but am possibly high!) is they're paid to make sure the company who pays them pays (what?) AS LITTLE as possible, and it's HIS job to navigate what should be, to him, a lawyer with twenty five years plus experience, a cakewalk.

IF we settled and IF Paltry Sum WAS accepted and paid out by the insurance company, it barely reimburses me NOW, much less reimburses me, pays my legal fees, AND provides enough pay any FUTURE bills.

If the insurance company DOESN'T accept the offer, though, then I'm screwed because where do you go from there? "Uh, can we have A More Paltry Sum instead then? Please?", which, if they didn't laugh at us and they DID accept THAT offer, the amount wouldn't even cover reimbursing my costs NOW, much less pay my legal fees.

Paltry Sum, by the way, was based on what my lawyer deduced from my doctor's report. The one that said fuck all because lawyerish DIDN'T tell me he was requesting it so I didn't even TALK my doctor to my doctor beforehand, so the report - from a general practitioner, mind - consisted of "I saw aibee in October and, uh, yeah. That's it.".

If Paltry Sum was based on a COMPLETE report, I'd be all over it because I don't even want a lawsuit. I just want my bills paid, but to get my bills paid I need to sue, and if I sue, INVARIABLY all the "pain and suffering" and "loss of income" and "loss of earning capacity" bullshit gets haggled over, when I just wantmy bills paid until this pain settles. Not "is gone", settles.

So I called my law firm and spoke to some big shit who deals with I don't even know what because I need a lawyer I don't need to audit, you know? One who, when they say "abc and d", I say "alrighty then!", and I am NOT getting THAT vibe from THIS guy. I'm getting the "but SHOULD I settle now? Or should HE wait til SOMEONE knows a little more of this injury's longevity? Or should I settle NOW? But what I need to keep up with the three times a week sessions for more than three months? But maybe I should SETTLE now, get it over with..?" vibe which I SHOULDN'T be getting from a guy who's meant to do all the worrying for me.

SO, big shit spoke to lawyerish and lawyerish spoke to me and dude BAILED on me so a) I need a new lawyer and b) I was RIGHT about homeboy all along. Not that I wanted to be because I'd rather have resolved things with him because I liked HIM, I just didn't like that he'd made his recommendations based on shit all.