negativo, dudes

Blood results came back yesterday and I'm not pregnant, not even a little bit, which is SO not surprising, but saddish nonetheless.

"Saddish" because I can't think about how I feel.

"Saddish" because this was just (in wanky bunny ears air quotes) lost hope.

Nothing more, nothing real.

You know, I don't feel I've earned the right to just be SAD.

Losing a pregnancy is losing something and someone that exists. A failed IVF cycle hurts just as much as losing a pregnancy, and each embryo that either doesn't make it to freezing or doesn't survive its thaw has an exquisite pain all of its own that equals that of a failed IVF cycle.

Meanwhile, on the one hand I'm all "thanks for the superhigh progesterone level, Universe. It was PEACHY!", and on the other I'm shaking my fist at that bitch, all "what the HELL was up with THAT shit? Quit fucking with me. Jesus.".

And changing the subject DRAMATICALLY, I'm teaching my first ever ever ever EVER spin class today and I feel SO SICK right now. Not because I'm harboring some kind of germ or anything, because I'm SO FREAKIN' NERVOUS. If by "nervous" I mean "LOSING MY SHIT OVER HERE UPPERCASEUPPERCASEUPPSERCASE".

I was going to DO the class this morning anyway because I LOVE SPIN, then I got a call and the girl who normally teaches (a bitchin') class is sick and could I teach it instead I was all "yeah, sure, no problemo!" because apparently I am a consumate LIAR because there sure IS a problemo, and the problemo is NOT limited to the FACT that I truly and honestly feel like I am going to DIE.