Really and truly

Thanks for being here and for being present.

I must be in shock still. Yesterday was the funeral and I'm all Fine, Great, Superfantastic, Thanks For Asking!

And I mean it.

I think my brain is insisting mum's still living in Queensland and the last few weeks have been a really weird dream but still, nothing? wtf is up with that?

Little things try to get me but it's literally like a big, clangy door comes crashing down.

Take this morning, for instance.

I opened the bag of stuff the funeral director sent back, and the nightie I dressed mum in after she died to send her away in all clean and nice and whatever the hail was in there.

My eyes; I'm going to cry!
My heart; ow, that hurts.
My brain; Fuck that shit man *crash*

Then nothing.

and it's not a conscious "no, I can't think of that!" deal at all. Thought or image pops in then *crash* then I'm literally unable to follow the image or the thought to access the emotion.

am I broken, or what?

(this is not a rhetorical question)

6/6/1940-15/11/2011

Mum died today a little before 6.45am.

and now I'm no one's daughter.

zygomaticus minor

So in her assortment of unusual gifts, Swistle included The Anatomy Coloring Book.

Oh. MEMORIES.

I had The Anatomy Coloring Book around about a million years ago when I was studying anatomy toward my degree in irradiating people for diagnostic reasons at university. Our entire class had one and everyone LOVED it (good fun, effective learning tool, massive "wow it's like being a kid again" factor etc etc etc) except me because I hated coloring in when I was a kid (I know, okay. Weird.) and I hated it more when I was marginally older. I mean, my god, ALL THOSE LINES. Every time I went outside one my brain imploded with a sickening sense of failure and doom, which was pretty heavy shit for a five year old, so when I was older and given the opportunity to revisit the garment wrenchign angst of my childhood, I whored my copy out to the kid next door and she loved it for me and did all my stupidass coloring in homework for me and (surprise!) I never graduated from that course.

vigil

My mother is dying. She has, at most, days.

I had to tell someone.

Lucky you.