Sunday, November 20, 2011

Really and truly

Thanks for being here and for being present.

I must be in shock still. Yesterday was the funeral and I'm all Fine, Great, Superfantastic, Thanks For Asking!

And I mean it.

I think my brain is insisting mum's still living in Queensland and the last few weeks have been a really weird dream but still, nothing? wtf is up with that?

Little things try to get me but it's literally like a big, clangy door comes crashing down.

Take this morning, for instance.

I opened the bag of stuff the funeral director sent back, and the nightie I dressed mum in after she died to send her away in all clean and nice and whatever the hail was in there.

My eyes; I'm going to cry!
My heart; ow, that hurts.
My brain; Fuck that shit man *crash*

Then nothing.

and it's not a conscious "no, I can't think of that!" deal at all. Thought or image pops in then *crash* then I'm literally unable to follow the image or the thought to access the emotion.

am I broken, or what?

(this is not a rhetorical question)

5 Comments:

It sounds like you're absolutely classic Stages of Grief. Stage one: denial.

By Blogger Swistle, at 9:52 AM  

Sounds normal to me. Death of a parent could be described as A Big Thing. It's going to take time to process.

By Blogger Mary, at 6:27 PM  

It sounds like you brain is trying to block out anything that may be overwhelming so that you can keep functioning ok. It is a big thing to get your head around and come to terms with, so your psyche knows you and is blocking it to some extent - but I doubt you are broken as such and I am sure you will deal with it little by little over time instead of all at once. I am wondering how it will be when my mother or father dies too and how I will feel about it. She is 70now and he is 73 so I wonder. Thanks for sharing.

By Anonymous Kim, at 6:23 AM  

Oh. Honey. I'm sorry.

By Blogger Jenny Grace, at 5:29 AM  

Hi guys,

Great blog! I am an Adelaide Entrepreneur, in a nut shell I teach the art of Magic online. I was wondering if you guys would be interested in writing a piece about us on your blog at all? We are trying to get some local support to help us build our brand a little more. Our website is http://www.encyclopediaofmagic.com.au

Hope to hear from you :)

Vinh (a local Adelaidian!)

By Blogger Vinh Giang, at 2:59 PM  

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