Really and truly

Thanks for being here and for being present.

I must be in shock still. Yesterday was the funeral and I'm all Fine, Great, Superfantastic, Thanks For Asking!

And I mean it.

I think my brain is insisting mum's still living in Queensland and the last few weeks have been a really weird dream but still, nothing? wtf is up with that?

Little things try to get me but it's literally like a big, clangy door comes crashing down.

Take this morning, for instance.

I opened the bag of stuff the funeral director sent back, and the nightie I dressed mum in after she died to send her away in all clean and nice and whatever the hail was in there.

My eyes; I'm going to cry!
My heart; ow, that hurts.
My brain; Fuck that shit man *crash*

Then nothing.

and it's not a conscious "no, I can't think of that!" deal at all. Thought or image pops in then *crash* then I'm literally unable to follow the image or the thought to access the emotion.

am I broken, or what?

(this is not a rhetorical question)