Tuesday, November 30, 2021

from the drafts folder

From my October 9, 2010

"I have to make you a picture because you'll love it. You'll so totally love it.". My son, this morning.

I have issues.

Since I was a kid, I’ve had trouble eating chocolate Easter bunnies from the ears down. Eating them from the feet up is just as bad  

Nothing much has changed but these days, once the foil’s peeled back and I'm about to partake, there’s the added bonus of my son’s voice, from out of nowhere, all "No, no! Not the ears!" or "No, you can’t start with the feet!"  

Of course it should always be: SNAP the head off first because, if you end it quickly, the poor little thing won’t even know what you’re about to do with his remains  

I imagine that's why god invented Easter eggs.  

Friday, March 13, 2020


So let's talk about the last two weeks.
Trip to Italy, cancelled.  No refunds. Thirty years of Can't Wait To Go Back,  paid for tickets just before Italy exploded into Coronacentrsl, agency cancelled twelve days ago.  No refunds.
Mood: dissociative disorders, they're not all bad.
Dog still alive. Baby grew up.
That whole pets looking like their owners? Yeah,  nah.

Dog is nineteen so every day her status check returns Not Dead Yet value is an all round hoo boy Nellie whoop whoop day of OHTHANKGOD and also, yay!
her name is truffles because of course it is

Discovered my vagrant cat was stolen by the lady across the road whose story does.  not.  add.  up, and now won't give him back.
Elvis nigella

Most people lose their cat and either find them or not.  I get the He's Not Lost And He Lives Less Than Fifty Feet Away cat story that ends up sounding like Liam Neeson 's already been cast in the starring role
 and now Nigella is missing too.


Sunday, October 09, 2016

If it's cultural appropriation then koalas are racially insensitve assholes too.

so I was reading this thing about Cultural Appropriation (apparently it's A Thing and I should be ashamed of all the times I wrapped my baby (who is nearly eleven now what the fuck??) up and/or tossed him in a whatsamagoo and threw him on my back, and all it did for me was want to yell at the idiots saying "I hate baby wearers plus skull and cross bones and *spit spit* on your grave" because, seriously, why would you have such a strong opinion when you're clearly an ignorant asshole (I think I just answered my own question) So I had to tell them (I'm looking atchoo, Louise) how dumb they are it's not all bad to wear your kid. Here. On my I'm Not Dead Despite All Appearances)(but I have been really unwell)  blawg. Where they (LOUISE) will never see it anyway. Because, roar, y'all. ROAR.
(and also, HI!) 
Baby Bjorns are a relatively shit way to carry your infant so it's a good idea to research the whats and whys of carriers or wraps before you shove your soft and squishy newborn into anything carrier-esque.
A hard structure that controls your baby's posture as opposed to a softer one that supports it can provide too much pressure on their pelvis, and they don't encourage the baby's natural spinal "c" curve. They also kind of plunk your baby in so, without the carrier, it would fall away from you so, posturally, you're pulling up against a weight hanging from your body - that's why you get  sore lower back, and why Baby Bjorn developed a back brace for the wearers .
Wearing a baby that is essentially strapped to your body in a way that doesn't affect your centre of gravity or allow your baby to fall out if you did a hand stand, much less if you bent over to tie your shoes, is structurally superior - and having your baby against your heart isn't really a wanky thing either. It actually does really and truly (but may be on a smaller scale than a Whoa, This Thing Is Keeping Mah Kid ALIVE thing) help regulate their breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure, (that's why Kangaroo Holding is so important to premature babies, and why babies who aren't held enough can fail to thrive) it levels out their responses to external stressors (that' a biggy too), and carried babies don't cry as much because they don't need to. You're already there! (so big it's made of Win!)
And! A well worn baby has its age related C curve supported too. The cute-as-all-hell shape they have that makes them snuggle up against you when you hold then.
Demonstration time: attach a head at the top end and some little itty bitty feet at the bottom end of this  -> C and now imagine it snuggling against you like the cutest, babiest koala bear.  Aw.
You don't get that kind of hoomahgord SO CUTE factor from a structured carrier. The end.
(but give me half a chance [or provide me with a passive/aggressive stroller/capsule specific run in with LOUISE] and I"ll bang on about why baby containers are stupid too)

Sunday, May 05, 2013


So the other day, I was asked to think with my heart and not with my head, but my head was all *exploding* "but how do I do that?!"

Saturday, March 09, 2013


Daniel's not an idiot so he's not being a dismissive twat because he hasn't worked out cause and effect. He's making a conscious decision to close his ears (and raise my blood pressure), and honestly, because he's NOT stupid, THAT's why I find this so difficult. We're a team, I tell him. Respect, consideration, bla bla bla bla chuffing BLA. He gets three shots until the Voice Of God is engaged, not because I've lost it but because I HAVE to use it to get stuff done, and I don't like using that voice because a) ouch, and b) it's a never ending cycle where my voice is going to get sterner and sterner until I'm yelling for him to hear me, never mind listen.

So how do you short that circuit when you've already taken his stuff away and the only voice he hears is the one you make the decision to use because talking to him like he has ears? DOESN'T WORK.

And his ears work juuuust fine because I've tested them using the old, whispering softly from the kitchen, Would You LIke A Gift? ruse, and dude passes EVERY TIME. He's also a slow learner because he falls for it EVERY TIME. so I take this into consideration when expecting the cause and effect thing to register with him before I sign the adoption papers.

There's no lego or reading until he's dressed and his teeth are brushed. His brand new nerf gun (NOT my purchase, but none of the fuckwits around me who call themselves "family" are on board with me here because, while we have an amnesty of buying him anything because of this bs,  they're all, oh he's fine and here, have another gift) (and we are a gun family because have you ever shot up your Christmas tree with Nerf? It takes Freakin' Awesome to a whole new level)

I HATE having to go all stern on his ass to get him to put a fucking pair of pants on.  When it comes to tht - which it always does - I feel like shit, so I feel like shit a whole lot of the time because he mentally shuts me out, like, ALWAYS. May be it's my love language or whatever the hell, but when I'm ignored, I feel unloved and insignificant. My cross to bear, and I'm working on it, but still, I'd like to not NEED to rewire a lifetime of programming to cope with my kid.

My instructions are simple, single directions that I've learned through research (I even do fucking RESEARCH) that simple instructions like "Get dressed" are more effective on boy brains than something highly complex like "get dressed then brush your teeth" but nope, nothing. When he gets up, it's "get dressed now, darlin", and he's all "okay!" and happyfacehelpful, but unless I stand over him, it'll take until I get my DO IT NOW voice on for things to happen, and even then, no guarantee.

After I've taken away his lego or book, he'll sit and stare into space and, seriously, unless he tells me he's contemplating particulate theories, as far as I'm concerned, that ain't putting your pants on.

Then the same thing happens with brushing his freakin' teeth. He's been to school in his pyjamas before, and his hair is never brushed because I don't care if he goes to school looking like a hippie. Even the, it's not that he doesn't DO stuff, it's that he chooses to not register my voice.

We talk when the situation isn't happening. We're a team and I need him to consider what matters to me, and it matters to me that we're not late bla bla bla.

I tell himt my instructions make his life easier - he doesn't need to think, stuff gets done, and we start our day well and there's no bad juju.

He's lost lego, been grounded, has been denied pool privileges (we dont have a pool, we go to the pool, and we went to the pool and he wasn't allowed in. You'd think, right? And yet), and has demonstrated time and time again his complete lack of attachment to his possessions and potentially awesome events, which is cool but denies me any bargaining power. We have a No TV rule here too, because tv makes his brain fall out for at least 24 hours, and fuck that shit, seriously.

He lies now too which, aargh.

Has he fed the cat? yes. So she has water and food for today? Yes.


He sounds like an asshole and in writing this down, oh my god, HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE, but he's also a really nice kid who wants to do well but can't get a handle on not being giant wanker, and it's my job to help him not be a giant wanker, so if one if us is failing more here, it's me.

The Positive Feedback For Positive Change plan is in action because it always has been, but there's only so many times you can say "Whoa dude. You've done a great job with your teeth. SO SHINY!" without him giving enough of a shit to repeat the action to earn more praise before you realise he's a freaking' buddhist and doesn't mind if that praise is for a one off, singular event .

It's like living with Ghandi. AND YET.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Why he's late everyday

"I don't knoo-Oh-ow", which is very helpful.

Last year, it was easier to identify the problem, which was school, and where he didn't want to go, which wasn't enough of a reason, so I pulled it apart and found a complex number of reasons, all with school as ground zero.

So I don't just sit with "I don't know" or "I don't want to go". I dissect the shit out of it because, for example, "I don't want to go" could have its basis in "I have no friends", "Ben hits me", and "I feel like everyone hates me".

But I don't know what's behind "I don't know" yet, and I don't know if I need to look  because Daniel is HAPPY. I suspect there are some time management slash he's a boy and his brain fell out years ago factors; he loves to read and he loves lego, and they're usually what holds us up. The problem though, is not the reading and the lego, it's his defiance - subtle as it is -  because every day I say "get dressed first, then it's free time" and every day he might as well say "fuck you, mum". Which is how it feels, anyway, and why I have SUCH a problem dealing with this practically and without getting bent out of shape.

Last year I could because it wasn't personal. This year it feels personal and I know this is part of his growing independent blablabla, but I don't know how to help him with that because I'm his mother and it's been my job to break his balls. In fact, one of my concerns has long been that, as a single parent with no valuable extended family input (think too much? YATHINK?), he sees no end to my dominance. Family unit? Extended family unit? He'd observe it as it ebbs and flows throughout my relationships with him nd others. Others would get to take the lead with him while I deferred to them, he'd see me having adult relationships where compromise and respect factor more into the outcome than "GET DRESSED NOW" does.. With me only on board though, he ONLY sees me running the show, and with this shit going on and with the negotiations, our talks about considerations and respect and compromise going completely NOWHERE, it always ends back at "GET DRESSED NOW" anyway and I feel like I've failed (again) and Daniel feels like he's a bad kid and that he's failed again and that he's let me down again and repeat repeat repeat.

2005-2007© aibee