Saturday, February 07, 2009

never again

The last time things were great between Guido and me was...god, only three weeks ago, but that was an island of happy in the Period Of Suck between November 21 (I'd had an exam earlier that evening, which is why the exact date sticks in my mind) and last Wednesday.

I can't believe that three weeks ago, he stayed, he held me, he told me all sorts of nice shit about how he feels about me too. I thought the previous several weeks/months/felt like eons would now be over, and they were, for a week.

He DID come back a week after the Poured Out My Heart episode. He was sweet and kind albeit hellbent on revisiting the whole Being A Total Wad deal too, and he told me he wasn't my future.

So, okay.

He kissed me when he left and texted me when he got home, because I worry, he knows I worry, and that I feel better when I know he arrived without being smashed into pulp by any of the punkassed freaks living around here.

No shit, behold our violent neighbourhood history: a seige not 100 meters from my front door. It was sad more than violent because word is, the dude was off his (spectacular!) meds and somehow got his hands on a crossbow and threatened others before locking himself in a house and becoming more of a danger to himself. The roads were closed, the police were everywhere, and it all ended badly when he burned the house down and turned himself into a tragic memory.

A stabbing at the end of my driveway several months ago.

The Starforce raiding a boarding house three houses down.

The infamous armed robbery.

And it's always late when he leaves so I just like to know.

I also like to know he's safe when he goes on his monthly bender in town. He KNOWS this. He KNOWS I worry if I know he's out drinking. If I DON'T know he's drinking, I worry til I see him again. He knows all this and he likes that I care.

He liked that I told him all that stuff, he liked that he stayed, he cares about me bla bla BLA.

But he's not my future.

I stopped all contact then, and began turning my phone to silent at night, not to miss his call, but because the sound of my phone NOT ringing kills me.

But! He called last Friday, three times, but I didn't call back because Not My Future.

Then he called on Wednesday and I didn't answer because not my future etc, but Wednesday is the day of the month he gets hammered and staggers home at god knows when, and I worry, so I texted him when the worry got to be too much, and asked him to text me in the morning, so I knew he was okay.

A few hours later I got the message, "pick me up from the city" which freaked me right out because, pick him up?? He's NEVER asked me that before. He knows I've got Daniel, so my brain is all zinging and I'm fretting about what in fuck could have happened? So I loaded Daniel in the car and, as predicted, he slept the entire rescue mission.

Meanwhile, my sensible self is thinking this is WRONG, I shouldn't be rescuing a GROWN UP, but honestly? I'd do it for anyone he needed help in that moment, but never on a regular basis because if you've got THAT much of a problem, me regularly collecting you is only enabling you to a) take advantage of my good nature and b) not curb whatever demons haunt you.


He's never asked that before, hence my middle of the night trip. I mean, god, the last time this happened he got into a FIGHT, and he's FORTY FOUR, and WTF??!

When I got there, his brother was with him, so I was addled. I mean, what the hell did he need ME to collect him for?

I haven't seen his brother since I was eight or nine years old. He lives in another city and apparently when he visits they both go out and get maggoted for the entire several night visit, so they were both drunk, but R at least, was coherent and gracious. Giudo was a spectacular pain in the ass.

Even his brother told him to stop being such a fuckwad, and was lecturing him about being nicer to me. I was all OHGODSTOP and Giudo was like a thundercloud and I was wishing I never, ever checked my phone that night.

Ultimately, what got me most was when he said he'd called then texted because he didn't want to pay for a cab, so ultimately, he USED how I feel to save himself twenty five bucks. He USED my love, my worry, my concern for his welfare. He kept telling his brother to give me twenty bucks, which is insulting. Either thank me genuinely and give me nothing, or thank me genuinely and give me several tiomes more than a cab ride is worth, you know?

Now I have no idea if this is true, and I have no idea if him caring about me is true. I just don't know what to believe, because the way he was acting was out of character even for him, and it felt like he wanted his brother to see how badly he could treat me and still have me picking him up in the middle of the night.

So in the morning after not sleeping at all because of all the being upset, I sent ANOTHER text and told him to not contact me again.

Becsaue he USED MY FEELINGS to get a FREE RIDE.

But despite all this bullshit, ending it is SO HARD

And foolish, seeings it was a spur of the moment thing to do. Foolish not because I should keep setting myself up for this type of heartache, but because had I thought it through and THEN said the same thing, I'd be more sure now I made the right decision.

Then I found a goddamn batman torch he'd bought for his son and left here that night, so I texted him AGAIN despite the virtual hand in his face I'd sent him two days ago, because it WAS for his SON.

He told me to keep it.

I dropped it into his mailbox instead.

And now, for whatever reason, I feel like I am going to die.

I asked him to not break my heart. He told me he wasn't my future, and he could have walked away then, but he didn't. He deliberately went out of his way and he smashed my heart to smithereens and now I really and truly feel like I'm going to die.

This is the man I've loved FOREVER. This is the man I feel like I WILL love forever. He's the one who, because of our family connection and our professional relationship, represented SOMEONE I could rely on because without that belief, I had no one. So now I have no one.

The worst part of this is not losing the man, it's losing everything I believed about him. He told me once he'd always look out for me, and that meant SO MUCH because no one's ever done that for me. Not my family, not the friends I choose, no one. Now that's gone, he's gone, and the delusions about him that kept me safe are gone. I used to sit in his office and dream of the maybes, the what ifs, the maybe some days, and now I don't even have that as an impossible dream.

2005-2007© aibee