Friday, January 16, 2009

bring popcorn

Last night's No Poo Supplies shopping expedition resulted in, one jar of coconut oil, size HUGE, and one bottle of peppermint essential oil, size more reasonable than those eensy winsy ones you normally find.

I asked Shop Owner which oil to get, and he said almond because bla bla bla, also CHEAP. Then I went with the coconut oil because I already eat it (is so yum, also v. v. good for you), and I figured if it does ick to my hair, I can at least carry on ingesting it.

All that is moot though, as today I'm going for a water wash AGAIN, (mostly because I am tired (more later)( and LAZY) but anyway, ANOTHER water wash?? Be still my crazy, hippy heart)

It'll be three days since a "clean" (because I KNOW you're all SO interested in my hair gunge) and it still looks...okay, I guess, despite the grungy state it got into on Tuesday (which reached OMGX100000 proportions, thankyou wicked hot temperatures + beach), and the expected regrunge it should have got but *gasp* didn't while out walking in the windy and heat yesterday. It'll probably look like yuck by tonight, but whatever. I'm not doing anything today that requires decent hair.

What I'm doing today: Well, today's big thrill is the mechanics', and as my car has been making a godawful squeally noise from BOTH rear wheels since the last service and tune which was like, a YEAR ago, I'm gonna be up for about a million dollars. Also, one (1) timing belt. Value, another million dollars.

I need to marry well by the end of the DAY, is what I'm saying.

Then I've got TWO doctors' appointments, one after the other, opposite ends of town (SO FUN), one for my mental health issues, AHEM, and the other to see my surgeon to see if it's an overnight stay on Monday (probable, but still, needs clarification)(wait, have I even MENTIONED the MORE surgery thing?) and to ask if he can jab some fat into that HUGE wrinkle in my top lip that was created by the repeated MASSIVE SWELLING following each previous surgery while he's wielding the fat jabbing needle in the dent you can't see in my face. ALSO, maybe some more in my cheekbones? Because hebus crayfish, my crazygood new cheekbones have all but disappeared since all the beautiful, beautiful swelling went down. ALSO! Ear pinning? Pros and cons?

So, he's gonna be all sizing me up as the new Michael Jackson but I DON'T CARE. Questions! Need answering!

Assuming I haven't mentioned anything about any surgery, let me elaborate: That random screw in my mouth? Is an infection risk and needs to be removed, stat, except the stat-est we could organise it what with the inconvenience of Christmas and the New Year etc, was the middle of January, and so here we are, looking down the barrel of my seventh or eighth or my fifteen I have no idea I lost count after FIVE surgery since March 2007. I'll be out of action for the next few weeks because while it's only ("only"? HA) a few plates and their associated screws being removed, they're titanium ie my skull would have grown over them by now, so when we're talking "removed" we're not talking having at the screws with a phillips head and flicking the plates off. Then because I'm there anyway, and because the defect ion the right side of my face is still apparent, a soft tissue graft has also been scheduled to balance it up a little more, which is what all that waffle was up there about jamming some more fat in my cheekbones and lip wrinkle was all about.

I'm SO not looking forward to it, any of it, the whole lot of it. Not just the surgery (because jesus, so much surgery) but the recovery too, which last time had me out of sorts and feeling SO DEPRESSED for almost two months. Granted, one day you wake up and wonder what the HAIL all that wanting to throw yourself off a cliff was all about, but while you're in the midst of a post anaesthetic downer, it all feels so real, so I'm actually feel quite panicky about that part of it already wah pity me etc.

Every cloud has a silver lining though, and I did score a supercool duffle bag with wheels WHEELS! for the occasion because FINALLY after seven (or eight or twenty billion) operations one after the other, I got that maybe I DO need a new bag because maybe this WON'T be my last trip into hospital. What then, is the bet that I never, ever need a wickedcool overnight bag AGAIN?

UNLESS, OF COURSE, I ACHIEVE MARRIED WELL BY END OF DAY STATUS, THEN THAT RICH MOFO CAN TAKE ME OVERNIGHT TO PLACES oops capslock like the BAHAMAS every frickin WEEKEND so help me, in which case, this wickedcool dufflebag (with wheels) was a very wise investment.

So that's my day. Full of capslocks, exclamation points and oh so not exciting.

I'd rather be at the beach.

Now, why was I tired? God, where to begin. Long (LONG) story short, the lawyer and I had words, good words this time, as opposed to the SHIT it's been for the last couple of weeks, and I got to say all those things you rehearse in your head over and over but never actually say because you're too scared to, probably because you're putting your heart out there and what if it gets stomped on?

Pointy being, we've been seeing each other for...well, we've been seeing each other for almost two years now, and have been seeing each other naked for around eighteen months or so. It's an easy relationship that hasn't been going anywhere, but given the drama constantly parading through my life, I've not had any emotional wah wahs' left TO develop a relationship with ANYONE - and anyway, can you imagine meeting someone then having to cancel a date because you need to get up early to be inseminated with someone else's sperm?

So it's been easy and fun and we saw each once a week or so, but we're not in each others' lives AT ALL.

Late November, conveniently as I was going through my last IVF cycle and failure, Guido (which is so close to NOT being a pseudonym) was laid low with a heap of work that needed to be done before the offices closed for three weeks over the holidays. So while we usually either spoke or texted each day, it became short and stilted and consisting of two letter replies like "ok", or "ta" or "no".

I wasn't as chatty because I wasn't up to anything much, and after considering his lack of interest, I figured his very valid reason for space was The Busy, so while I missed him like crazy, the break in communication didn't suggest to me that things between us were struggling.

It was circumstance, I thought, and the holidays, which is a time you spend with family, not someone you're screwing because it's convenient.

Then maybe we'd been apart for too long, because then it all turned to shit. He'd been an asshole and I'd listened to his rants and offered some reason m because truth is, he sounded so off that I worried that he was losing his fucking mind. But even if he WAS losing it, it wasn't MY responsibility to either save him or bear the brunt of his angst. Eventually and surprisingly, considering just how MUCH of an ass he was that last ten days, it was the distance that got me and I ended it with him (via text, because I'm THAT classy) two weeks ago.

NOW. Fast forward to the reason I was SO tired yesterday.

He came over Wednesday night and apparently the crisis in his life has either blown over or he's past the Acute Anger At EVERYONE As A Coping Mechanism phase, and we had a nice night, and I don't know how or why I started saying stuff, because had I known I was going to say stuff I WOULD have rehearsed it and no doubt been more eloquent than the garden gnome I was apparently channeling.

I told him the last few weeks have totally sucked and the last two months have been difficult. Too difficult. Things had to change. I didn't want more of the same shit we'd most recently had, and that I wanted more of the good we'd previously shared. I wanted a chance to care for him and about him, to be something good in his life (him: you ARE a good thing in my life) and to make his life better (him: you DO make my life better).

The worst that could happen was we'd break up, which was happening right now anyway, so I asked him to take the chance and let me love him bla bla BLA.

God, it was just like in the (cheesey) movies.

He stayed, which he's never done, and we slept together, which we've also never done. His arms were wrapped around me the entire time and if I moved, he held on to me even tighter even though he was obviously asleep because he was snoring SO LOUDLY.

I don't know if it's over now. I suspect it is, because at least as bad as I am at intimacy, but thank GOD I finally said SOMETHING because I've been cool and not got involved with him all this time because we're both too damaged or some shit to take risks on things like love and matters of the heart, and I've been too proud to admit to even myself that I love him, but I do. I've loved him forever and I'm NOT the sort of idiot who says things like "I feel like I've been waiting for him my entire life" but I feel like I have.

Over the years I've watched him from the distance. Not in a stalkerish way, geesh, but in an Our Lives Touch way. I remember being at a family dinner and sitting directly opposite him and his then fiance and wishing so much it was me beside him. I remember the milestones in his life, like the wedding band going on his left hand, and the birth of his son, and I remember seeing that same significant gold band disappear, and I remember how I've felt each time.

So the last thing I asked him was to let me know, to please not break my heart by simply shifting back into our recent distant state, but to let me know what he wants to do with us.

So there it is and that's why I was so tired, and why when I put Daniel to bed last night and, as is the norm, lay down with him while he settled, I fell asleep and woke up at 9am this morning. That's like, ELEVEN HOURS sleep, MINIMUM CAPSLOCKCAPSLOCKCAPSLOCK

I remember saying to him, "no more reading, mama's tired" then ...*BOOM* hit by the sleepstick, and when I DID wake up, I was all "wuh, where? huh?" as I tried to remember what I did last night because the last thing I remembered was putting Daniel to bed, so OBVIOUSLY I was RHOHYPNOLLED and then I remembered, oh yeah, I did NOTHING, went NOWHERE, read NOTHING (which, as a New Years Resolution aside, is going well) because I FELL ASLEEP.

and on that cheery note, must go water my hair and scrub the child clean too. I do wonder though, when the showers we share are going to become disturbing memories in Daniel's future. Please advise.

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