ostrich

I've not called for my results, nor have I peed on a stick.

I figure that they'd have call me for repeat bloods if my last test was positive for any level of HCG, and they haven't called, ergo, I'm guessing it's safe to say I'm not pregnant.

(the world: NO SHIT)

Having it stated definitively though, or seeing that one single line on the test strip, it scares me. I'm fine now, no tears, nothing, I've actually been feeling pretty good, but I'm pretty fucking scared of losing my shit when this is all officially over.

I won't though, because this is me, for crying out loud. I'm that someone you know who bounces along regardless, so I don't know what I'm scared of because of course I'll be okay, and I know this even as I worry that I won't be.

*****

A note, about me, but maybe about anyone going through or who knows anyone going through IVF: a failed cycle isn't just a "failed cycle".

I saw the embryos. I saw life. I saw that speck of hope on the monitor. It wasn't just hope though, because I felt such love for them. Suddenly that day, and still to this day.

I don't want to love a memory. I wanted to love what would be.

I've had a failed pregnancy, and a failed IVF cycle feels pretty much the same.