Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I think I'm meant to have another blood test today, and I think I'm meant to have a scan too, but I've been so BLAH about this whole frozen embryo transfer that I forgot to call the unit yesterday to get today's instructions.

So I guess I'll just show up and proffer an arm and my underbits for appraisal, and let THEM work out what they want to do with them.

Which is why I'm up at the buttcrack AGAIN.

I hope it's the whole being tired thing, but the BLAH right now, right this minute, isn't has reached epic proportions and I have that sad place in my tummy that means I can't eat, drink or breathe without feeling ill, and my eyes have their automatic Crinkle And Fill response on so the screen keeps going fuzzy, and I don't know what to do with all these feelings and I reckon they're not about a guy, because, duh, I'm in the middle of trying to make another baby grow from a handful of cells, but I feel so SAD about that guy today, but there are other things way more important are at play here like the whole FET thing and also I'm sure today's bloods will show I ovulated within the last day and quite apart from the hormone rush THAT gave me, it also makes me sad because even if I DO get a baby out of this, it will be the baby that ends any and all dreams of having a baby with someone who loves us.

Because I'm human and OF COURSE I have that dream.

I don't even WANT to get pregnant. What I REALLY want is someone to hand me a child, age irrelevant, and say "Here, I got this for you. It's yours.", and then I'd take it, and care for it and love it just as much as any child I'd made myself and our family would be 75% complete and all this heartache wouldn't have to exist.

The end.

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