Friday, December 05, 2008

and on the seventh day

there was spotting.

"Light pink discharge" is probably the more accurate description, and it started tonight.

I'm trying to believe it's implantation bleeding.


Losing this pregnancy would be more than losing THIS pregnancy. It would be losing the hope for ever having another child, and with that hope would go the dream of giving Daniel someone else to call his family.

While I can't know if Daniel and this mythical child will ever be there for each other, my hope is that, even if they don't like each other much, they will be, that they'll always have each other.

Of course, the BIG dream is that they DO get along, and that when they grow up, are in each others' lives - and in each other' families' lives - because they like each other.

And realistically, this is my last chance for any of that to happen.

I've run out of (borrowed) money, and if I were to do this again, it would only be possible if I sold my car.

Which I may still do.

It sucks so much to have got pregnant last time because I KNOW the dream is possible.

It sucks because I have a very small statistical chance of achieving pregnancy, and I've already done it. Surely then, the probability this time around is now lower?

I mean, if I had a one in fifty chance of getting knocked up then, wouldn't that now mean another 49 cycles would need to fail before I can hit the two line jackpot again?

And this is how I'm passing the time.

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