I'm fine, but sometimes I'm not really okay

This cycle has been really hard. I'm coping well but the fact is, it's been hard.

I've been so sad the entire time.

I put it down to the drugs, but really? I think it's me.

and being sad doesn't change anything anyway. I've still got this to do, so I'm doing it. Without question and without thinking about The Sad.

Except now I can't stop the tears streaming down my face. It's probably the drugs, I tell myself. It's probably the druggy hormones crashing around me now that I'm no longer injecting two different doses of whatever the fuck each day, and it's probably my own hormones kicking in randomly after the roller coaster ride the last week or so has been.

But when I think about what could have been, of how I wouldn't even be doing this now if things had turned out different then, that's when I think this pain in my heart has nothing to do with any of that stuff at all.