Thursday, November 26, 2009

so let's talk about how INSANE I am

So. Still no news if you know what I mean and I think you do.

I wish I was better at taking pregnancy tests.

Thing is, I'm actually really fucking scared that I AM pregnant. What the HELL am I going to do with a BABY??

Because continuing with fertility treatment has become NOT about getting pregnant, but about finding closure.

I'm old, this is SO UNLIKELY to work, etc etc yaddah, and I'm AT THAT POINT NOW, the point where I'm going through the motions (which involves lying on treatment bed, thinking of England ETC) and I can't wait for the year to be over because I will be SO RELIEVED to be DONE with this shit.

That's not to say I REGRET doing this. I'd have regretted NOT doing it. Fertility treatment is made of Win. It's not about having a baby, it's about challenging your worst fears (ie the NOT having a baby mindfuck) and coming out the other side with a baby or not. Having a baby is made of JUST AS MUCH win as not having a baby and being ready to let go, because you CAN, and you've SAVED YOURSELF from a lifetime of regret and all the what ifs and maybe ifs and god I wish I'd done mores.

Doing this is WHY I'm at peace now, it's why I'm happy to high five myself and MOVE THE FUCK ON.

Let me just say though, a month ago I wasn't at peace. A month ago I was sad and bitter and tearful because, until the end was in sight, I didn't realise how going through this has been keeping ME going. I lost hope and was in that crappy place where it's all What Now? OH YEAH NOTHING.

and then I sorted my shit out and I'm okay about it.

Oh, and I don't mean Going Through This as an experiential process either. I mean Going Through This as in one step in front of the other, the solution being the process not the outcome, the journey being the destination WHATEVER.

The conception rates for DI are SO LOW, as in, I have maybe a half a percent chance of getting pregnant doing this, but even THAT is being VERY generous, because I have around THAT much of a chance of getting pregnant doing it the old fashioned way anyway, because of my age, and DI is pretty much a Fail, even for someone who's young, fertile, and is doing it only because of male factor infertility or her social infertility. Not that you can do the latter in this state. We're still stuck in the dark ages where nuns and lesbians can't get medical help to get pregnant, not if their bits are all functioning.


And here I am now, with boobs that FEEL HUGE and HOT and not in a Mrreow kind of way, more in a BURNING kind iof aching way, and until NOW, I'd forgotten how much my rack hurt when I couldn't have been pregnant back then because NO WAY, etc. And look how THAT turned out

Additional weirdo things going on are: my eyes, my god, MY EYES. I keep not being able to see, like, five inches on front of me. Read a book? OH HAR. Good one. Then there's the cramps that I'm STILL having that started on the weekend and I'm NOT an I Get Period Cramps person. My pelvic floor aches like a motherfucker for a day AFTER I get my period (the internet: Good to know!), but cramps? Pshaw. They're not bad, but they're periodically (OH SNAP) there and wtf, you know? Then I scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees the other day, and didn't realise I was acting like a FREAK until I'd cleaned the whole house. And wtF is going on with my nipples?? Which is a word I can BARELY READ because my eyes, MY EYES, etc, but I can see THEM because okay TMI. Hint: visible from MARS. Then there's the peeing and the peeing and, oh yeah, THE PEEING.

And that second line that you can't see here. You guys are probably all "poor girl slash OLD LADY is delusional.", but I took the damn test to lunch yesterday, you bet your ass I did, and my two girlfriends were all "OHMYGOD", and I was all "HA. Take THAT, internet", until I realised the implications of winning THAT argument.

This is going to be SO embarrassing when I get my period later today or tomorrow or whentheeffever, so be gentle with me when I do, okay?

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