very, very not good news

I have not one, but two blighted ova.

Two, for fuck's sake. TWO.

Both embryos implanted and continued to divide, but neither developed further than being an egg sack.

Which is SO ironic I can't even begin to explain.

Further irony points acquired because I can't mourn the loss of my babies, because they were never real anyway.

I could have had a D&C tomorrow morning at 11. I filled out the admission forms, but I'm about as ready to let go of my gently rounded tummy as I am the hope that maybemaybemaybe THIS is the dream, that the babies are real and the end of them is not.

Which is to say, I'm not ready at all.

This is so fucking sad, then I tell myself there's no reason to be, it's not like they were ever alive anyway.

And that doesn't make me feel any better.

Because to me, they WERE alive.

And they were boys.

.

.

.

Fuck, could I make myself any MORE miserable? Jesus.