today

When I saw my own doctor last week, before I knew when in my ultrasound was going to happen, he gave me a form for an independent ultrasound.

To which I am heading off for in a few minutes.

After drinking two big glasses of water and NOT PEEING for the next ninety minutes.

And I'm still technically pregnant so THAT ought to be fun.

I don't think the results from this scan will be any different from the last, but I want pictures to remember all the good, sweet and exciting times this last seven weeks has given me.

I want something to hold on to, even if it is a photo of nothing more than two little air balls stubbornly hanging out inside what appears to be a very hospitable uterus.

And the absolute truth is that while I'm not holding out hope that today will tell me anything different from last week, I kind of am too.

The aside here is that I already need to pee.

The other aside is I'm still not ready to think about a D&C on Friday, and my body doesn't seem ready to think about this not being a "real" pregnancy.

Maybe today's scan will help with that.

This is all so difficult time as I still DO feel pregnant. As much as I did before anyway, which is not much at all but as much as I did when pregnant with Daniel, but with less boob.

and also, that Pee Factor? Is now very, VERY high.