Tuesday, July 17, 2007


I went through it and am still going through it, but when I read other blogs and journals addressing this issue and the feelings surrounding it and all the weeping when some other fucker gets pregnant and they do not, I don't feel I belong in that world. Maybe because I was lucky in that my problem was solved, momentarily at least, when I conceived Daniel barely three months after having my starting my own and according to those other blogs, tortuous journey.

I haven't really gone into how my own 'tortuous' journey began years ago, but by the time I got around to doing anything about it, I just....coped. I coped with what my body wasn't doing and I coped with what was ahead and I did it without thinking about the process of how I was doing so.

I don't think that when the time came, I ever actually felt defeated by my infertility issues. I think I approached the whole Seeing A Reproductive Endocrinologist thing like one would approach any challenge. One step at a time and not jumping ahead of the immediate goal. Make the appointment. Take some tests. Get the results, etc. I took control of my own health too, and in doing so felt I had more control over my fertility. And I was determined. Not to get pregnant as much as to complete the process and to reduce as any possible regret that I hadn't done what I could to help myself out. I did stuff like see a naturopath and a kinesiologist, and being a bowen therapist, also had bowen therapy regularly, all to help my body feel good and to feel that I was also personally involved in what was going on. I visualised a lot too, which I never thought of as visualising. It just felt like I believed. Maybe not that I;d get pregnant but that I'd do what it took to get to the end so I could pass Go (I tell you, that The Secret woman? has nothing on me when it comes to seeing, believing, achieving. I've been doing that shit for years. Except I don't have the million or three extra bucks in the bank account ) No one knew I was acting any different, but I behaved like I was pregnant so as to make my body a welcoming vessel for a child. No alcohol, no coffee, no this, no that, because those two weeks a month that you know you're not pregnant and do all that not pregnant shit like slamming the espressos and drinking the cab sav? I reckon they affect your body and provide a negative, if not defeated, mind set. (I, uh, did have a billion coffees and got mad crazy drunk when I was unknowingly about two weeks pregnant though, because gimme a break, man. I'd only had sex once, fgs, and I had a blocked tube, annovulatory cycles, my medical history and my advanced age against me - each alone being enough to cause fertility issues - so what were the odds of being pregnant while amping up the caffeine and drowning in alcohol? Answer? HAHAHAHA!! And I was about to start fertility treatment so figured they'd be the last good times I'd see in a few years so, live it up, woo hoo! To whit, oops) I also had a teeny, tiny little collection of baby clothes. I felt stupid doing it and it was only two or three things, but they were one off things that I had to have, for the baby I knew I'd have. Even though I never thought it possible because I am nothing if not a bundle of conflicting thoughts.

In late April, 2005 I'd started my suppression meds and was wondering where in hell my period was, the kicker being I'd only had sex only twice that year and knowing I didn't ovulate for at least four days AFTER the second time I did it, I was all, no way, not pregnant, not me. I think I knew though, because I took a test and ta freakin' da, I was already five weeks pregnant by then.

My doctor had no idea how I got pregnant and considered it a true miracle. I think it was too, but I also think my process and thinking had a lot to do with it. I wasn't obsessed either, I was focussed, which I think is a healthy state to be in.

So to anyone finding my blog from using "infertility" as their search term - and I know some of you do - this entry and the whole infertility/bloggy shebang isn't meant to on how great I am or anything. I'd hope it was more a story of hope because in all honesty, if I can get pregnant with one lucky, untimed shot (ahem) with all the shit wrong with my reproductive goolies, I reckon anyone getting regular, optimally timed sex within a stable relationship with two motivated people involved has got a pretty good chance of getting what they want at the end of it all.


Which is a grand sweeping statement but you get my point.

2005-2007© aibee