Wednesday, May 09, 2007

handy dandy

Depending of whose perspective you take it from, either I'm the resident psychic genius or Daniel is.

I hired a handy man last week to do an assortment of jobs around the Villa de Bee today, and he's been here this morning busily doing what handy men do (which, side bar, please. Could there be a more descriptive job title than 'handy man'? I think not. These are men who are indeed, handy. Fantastic! It's even in the yellow pages. Pages and pages, all devoted to handy men. The Gloria Steinman in me is appalled at this misogynistic nightmare, but the rest of me wants to sit back and dream of men in overalls, wielding hammers and carrying nails between their teeth), and has been drilling holes, erecting shelves (both of which sound porny), and baby proofing the cupboards. Daniel, on the other hand, learned how to open cupboard doors yesterday, and the most I've seen of him since are his legs hanging out while the rest of him is busy rummaging around inside the cupboard like there was no tomorrow. Which, there isn't, from a cupboard rummaging perspective.

One of us should be responsible for picking the numbers for any lottery ticket we invest in, and the other should follow along meekly saying things like "whatever you say, Oh Mighty One", the only question is who.

Oh, and yeah, in re the baby proofing. One, Daniel will be mighty pissed when he comes home from childcare today, and two, we'll be eating off paper plates and drinking out of jam jars until Saturday morning when the handy man (who is indeed, very handy) comes back and opens the two relevant cupboards because jesus h, until then, I sure as shit can't.

In other news, I've been selling shit on ebay, which is something you could do quite literally, I'm sure, given enough enthusiasm for your product. It takes time to list an item because I'm anal retentive I can't just write down "for sale, one blue jumper" and be done with it. I've got to sell that motherfucker, so tappity tappity tap, bla bla ba bla BLA! Presto chango! Suddenly I'm a marketing executive and suddenly I'm living in warehouse of saleable product that needs to be sold. I'm doing okay too. Well even, and plan on selling my entire wardrobe, item by item, because I hate it and have nothing to wear and if you call me up and invite me for coffee, I'll decline, citing naptime or diaper rash or some other such, when what I really mean is that I can't make it because I've got nothing to wear. Then I'll take the money I make and buy more shit to wear once before deciding I hate it so I can rekindle my now defunct ebay career and make some more money and so continue the cycle of deluding myself that I'm actually making a profit.

Does anyone have an opinion on those "baby on board" signs for your car? Frankly, I think they're the next best thing to a glaring neon sign flashing the words "I can't drive for shit".

And that's all I have to say about that.

Next, my face. It's settling down. I'm still swollen, more so on the left side, and I can't feel my chin, cheeks, and portions of my mouth.

Before, during, after. Le yawn. I forgot to take any after the second operation, but imagine the one in the middle, take away some of the lopsideness and add in a bit of swelling under and across the bridge of my nose. Got it? The one you see there was taken only five days apres the first surgery. Lot's of black eyes going on but the swelling is already going down (porny!) The shot I'd love to show you is the one I took while in ICU and still under the influence of hard core theatre drug. Hooey, face meet 4x2 much, my god. That one's in my phone though, where it will remain forever unless someone tells me where I can find software to transfer it to my mac. The after? Meh. Not much difference from that angle. Look closely though, and my face is wider across my cheekbones, my chin is shorter despite still being swollen out and down to here, and my nose, oh my poor nose. Hopefully that's just swelling because jayzuz, bozo much? Honk.


Check. This. Out.



My jaw is still swollen so please be ignoring that little double chin action, but seriously. The angle of my nose is different and is no longer migrating toward my slowly advancing chin, prompting the comment yesterday that I look more feminine. Also, younger! Which, thank you swelling for the five or so years currently missing from my face.

So there you have it, partway through the project, and considering the after shots were taken maybe two weeks after the second surgery, so far, so good.

2005-2007© aibee