Friday, April 06, 2007


Alternate title: where's an Asshat Award when you need one?

Daniel's asleep and I'm sitting hunched up in the corner of my officey space here, quietly tap tap tapping this out.

The sperm donor decided he wanted to play Father Of The Year a month nor so ago, and because of all the bullshit he's served up for the twenty three months previous to that request, I replied quite simply, no.

When he asked me to think about it, I told him I had thought about it, hence the big ol' negativo.

And now he's outside banging on the door. Right next to the window where Daniel is asleep, so yes, the best decision in re this meeting bullshit is to not have Daniel see him again until he, homeboy, not Daniel, learns some damn manners. Case in point, what kind of knob bangs on the door when the closed curtains suggest a child is quite possibly asleep next door?

Same goes for the phone calls. He's the only idiot I know who, when the home phone isn't answered after a certain number of rings - usually the universal indicator that a parent is busy with a child - hangs on til the number rings out, and then calls me immediately on my cell. Which is why my phone line is now unplugged and my cell is switched to silent.

Which is also why I'm scrunched into this corner and tapping quietly. I'm pretending to not be home, or asleep, or not interested. Or something.

Yannow, if he had any brains he'd call to see if he can hear my cell. Not ringing? Not home. Even though I am, but we're talking theoretically here. And if the home phone doesn't ring, if he had a brain instead of the paranoid delusion he appears to be cultivating, he could assume the line was dead. Which it was last week, so if he had a brain, he would almost be right.

But enough of that. Let's go over some of the highlights from the past two years, shall we?
  • Walks away from five week pregnant aibee, informing her he wants nothing to do with this (hooray!) and that he intends lying to his then ten year old for at least five years. Will possibly tell her when she's fifteen. You know, when she's in the middle of her adolescent crisis. Word.
  • Refuses to answer the phone when I call. Only twice though, because I'm no fool.
  • Daniel is born. SD is advised via mutual friend. Mutual friend reports back. SD knows, does nothing. No contact made, no acknowledgment made of Daniel's arrival.
  • SD listed as father on birth certificate. Paperwork forwarded by registered mail to SD's home address. Three times. Each letter allows fourteen working days for the department of Birth, Deaths, and Marriages to be contacted, either denying or accepting paternity. No contact made. Birth certificate issued with no father listed.
  • Paperwork for child support is filed and forwarded by relevant departments by registered mail to SD's home address. No respnse by SD. Each submission allows thirty days for acceptance or denial of paternity to be made before being resubmitted. Each submission forfeits the date of the previously issued paperwork. Sd ignores all paperwork each month. each month ignored is another month not legally required to be paid. System works awesomely for SD. Six months, six submission, no contact, no payments.
  • Contact finally made. Rough translation of "I thought it was time I took responsibility"? "I received the legal documents from your court appointed lawyer".
  • Paternity determined under voluntary submission of DNA. Rough translation? Dodges court ordered DNA test.
  • SD is father. Duh. Pays child support from June, 2006. His now eleven year old's award winning mother receives amended paperwork from the child support agency. Loses shit. Collects daughter from school, yells, cries, damages daughter for life.
  • SD calls. Wants to be involved in Daniel's life. Disappears for another few months.
  • Calls back. Was scared. Calls again. Has decided again to be involved. This time he's sure.
  • Bails on several organised visits.
  • Several weeks pass. Calls back. Was scared. Is certain this time, wants to be involved, bla bla bla.
  • aibee files nails, yawns.
  • Daniel's eleven year old sister receives invitiation to his first birthday party. Comes, spends time with Daniel, calls SD to come pick her up. aibee offers to bring Daniel to the car to meet SD. Sister agrees. Daniel taken to car to meet SD. SD: "too busy", aibee: *rolls eyes*
  • Daniel receies invitation to spend time with sister on her birthday. Meets SD. Fun is had by anybody not named aibee, SD promises to call next week.
  • One month passes. SD calls, is Father of the Year, wants to see daniel, will call next week.
  • Five weeks pass, SD calls. Was scared, but is Father of the Year for serious this time. Wants to see Daniel. Is confused when told no. Begins harrassment program.

The last text message I got had something about "being worried" in it, which would be code code for "frustrated things aren't going to his plan".

Seriously dude, you don't get to act like that much of a fuckwad and expect to walk back in as if nothing has happened. It shouldn't be that easy and tough luck buddy, it's not going to be that easy.

Initially, my inclination was to do the right thing, to allow this meeting to occur and the relationship to develop unhindered by my wants for Daniel (which are, for what it's worth, that SD is abducted by aliens and full use of the anal probe is made) and khum bye yah and all that shit. Then I realised that that's not the right thing. It's the easy thing. The right thing to do is to protect my son.

I've worked hard and thought long about how best to make this work for everyone, especially for that little girl who at this point, is a victim to her father's (and mother's) stupidity. Hell, I even sought counselling on how we could introduce her to the idea of a new sibling when she didn't even know her father had a, I'd say girlfriend but we all know I mean 'root'. (yes, five years together and there I as, still accepting his crap about not wanting people to know about us. Still, those five years investment gave me Daniel, so I know now why I tolerated le boolsheet) Colour me saintly, but I wanted to protect her because her ridiculous father wasn't about to. As an aside too, the counsellor thought my proposition was the most likely to produce a positive result for the daughter so, neener, etc. Then I bought the damn clue and realised that, while she is a child, she's not my responsibility and it's not my place to judge how she's treated. Even if it totally is with little respect for her feelings, ahem. Point being, I know I've done what I can to protect her and if she's missing out now for not seeing her brother, my conscience is clear. I did my best. Of course, that's not what she'd be being told, but whatever. I've told her she's welcome to contact me directly. I've sent her several emails and included hundreds of photos and updates on the boy, the rest is up to her. I'd expect a twelve year old to demonstrate more courtesy though, and at least acknowledge receipt of at least one email, so that's it for the chatty updates.

Bottom line though is that right now, I am NOT going to allow Daniel to be touched by SD's self focussed, self indulgent bullshit. I don't think he deserves to have any involvement in his life, and if it were possible to sign away rights and forfeit support payments, I would so be on board for that. Unfortunately for me though, and man, I hate being so reasonable, because I know the difference between what I feel and what Daniel needs, this isn't a final decision. It's a decision for now because time will soon come when, regardless of the wankstain I think his father is, it will be in Daniels' best interest to see his father. If I can influence in any way the kind of father SD wants to be when that time comes though, if I can influence him to be a more committed, better person by denying him contact now, then by George, let's roll with that and see what happens.

Chances are, nothing will but like in every way I've approached everything about this, at least I know I tried.

2005-2007© aibee