day 43

I know I'm making this wait longer by worrying about it. That kind of makes it harder, what with it being culpa mia and all.

I'm not pregnant, by the way....I'm also not too chipper right now.

The RE prepared me for the difficulty of the three week wait for this and the two week wait for that. I can understand being impatient but difficult? No, not really. Not when the only unknown is the outcome of that known time frame. What's difficult is not knowing how long I need to wait in order to begin the wait for the outcome.

Telling me three-or is it four? weeks ago to go home and wait, when I don't know for how long, seems especially cruel and unusual to me. I don't get why no bloods were taken then, or why I wasn't put on the pill during my last period when I told them my cycle isn't predictable. I'm not sure how they didn't understand what I meant when I uttered the words 'don't know when it's due'.

The blood tests now are giving me something else to wait for, something else with no end in sight. Starting the pill is dependant on my hormones returning to baseline, so yippee, two things to wait for, and both of them could happen anytime or not at all. It's hard too, because I don't want to go on the pill, so this waiting is complicated by wanting not one or the other to occur, but wanting so desperately for the baseline result to not win the race.

I thought I was doing okay because I thought this last week was the worst it could get, and I was handling it, but then it got worse.

I'll handle this too, but I don't feel okay, not at all. I probably will tomorrow, or later today, or in five minutes, and ironically that's yet another wait for an outcome that could occur any time between now and never.

wallowallowboringboringwallow