Thursday, April 07, 2005

worryworryworry, part deux

I feel I've alienated everyone. Not because of my absence, as I really do retreat when I have issues, (picture me making bilateral bunny ears with my fingers when I say that, signifying wanky air quotes) but because I'm like my mother. Thing is, I retreat because I fear being like her and I don't want to inflict myself on anyone. So I hide. It's the old tree falling in a forest argument though, isn't it? If I'm like my mother and no one can see me, am I really like my mother?

I'm worried that I've alienated people because I didn't retreat soon enough. Having wracked my brains to think of something I've done to create this distance, I can't think of anything outstanding-and that just confirms my fears.

If I'd done something bad, I should know what it was. You don't do or say something that bad without knowing you've made the mother of all faux pas, so it's a reflection of my self involved self that I don't even know what I did. And if it isn't anything I've done, then it must be because of who I am. That's worse because if it was an actual event, I could make amends, not do it again, do something to fix it. But if it's who I am, while I can change the things I do, I can't change me.

And now I'm worrying about being self indulgent and annoying again. I drive myself nuts, I really do. And that better be a cramp I just felt, dammit.

Having a child isn't going to magically make me NOT like my mother. What if I create a child like me? A social misfit who worries so much about hurting other people, and yet, who hurts them anyway, blindly and without consideration? What if I'm a dismissive, self indulgent mother who teaches my child that his or her self doesn't matter one whit, because it's all about me.

Having a child isn't going to make me a better person, so where do I get off believing I'm going to be a better parent? How do I know I'm not going to screw up another life as royally as I've screwed up my own?

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