Wednesday, September 10, 2008

how many?

SEVEN operations, people, since March last year. MY GOD. And don't even get me started on how many came before that. If I hear another doctor tell me "it's just one of those things" again, my head will explode, which OF COURSE, would need another damn operation to fix anyway. GAH.

so I'm spending this evening hoping I don't die tomorrow, which is something I do for the days prior to every operation I've ever had. This time I'm REALLY scared though. Which is what I say before every opearion too.

People DO die from every day, run of the mill, no complications surgeries, and I reckon I'm pushing my luck now with the ridiculous number of them I've already had.

Thing is though, I CAN'T die, because if I DO die (which sounds like a song involving a bucket full of beans) (and I'm as serious as a heart attack when I say I'm scared)(OMG note to self: don't say "heart attack" when referencing fear of dying)(you idiot), there's no one to take care of Daniel.

His father smokes (way too much) weed and his guardians (ie my brother and sister in law) (which, "guardians"? *laughs bitterly* wtf planet was I on when I thought THAT would be a good idea?) don't know me so have nothing to teach him of me, which is as important as feeding, watering, and the provision of shelter. Moreover, they don't even LIKE me so what they DO teach will be biases AGAINST me, even if they try to be all "oh your mother was SO GREAT". Which I doubt they'd do anyway. They'd be all "Who? Oh, her. Well...". Moreover, part again, and more importantly, they've shown zero interest in Daniel beyond "when you call us we'll tell you to bring him over at our convenience and then we'll gaze at him like he's a POSSESSION but we'll NEVER call, visit or ask about him otherwise" which, fuck that shit.

I'm freaking out here because I've not amended my will to say he'd be better off in state care, which, sadly, I now believe he would be, and I've not amended it because I feel bad about thinking it because, jesus, STATE CARE??

So I'm all fretting because what if I die and he goes to one of those other idiots because I never made it known that a foster family would be preferable in the event?

This whole will/can't ever die thing stresses me out, not just now but ALWAYS. I worry each day about what the day could hold and what would happen to Daniel if something happens to me. I can't die, but things like car accidents, random acts of god and general SHIT happen.

Reading all the shit I write lately, I'm thinking it's hard to believe that a) I'm a pretty together person, b) I'm not clinically depressed, and c) I think life really IS a bowl of cherries.

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