Friday, June 20, 2008

quick like a bunny

I....don't know how things are going.

The waiting is bearable - or at least, it is while I'm still diligently shoving progesterone pessaries up my (admission time!) butt (which, while it's less socially acceptable than inserting them up your clacker, once you've got past the notion that you're some kind of weirdfuck, the facts are a) you don't get to swill around in the left overs for at least half a day, thanks to the handy dandy sphinctre action you've got going back there. Your twat, on the other hand, will leak that shit ALL DAY which, yes. Good times. Your butt? One fart later and it's all over, red rover, and b) your butt has superior absorption capabilities, as in, you can be fed via your back door. Not that I recommend shoving a Big Mac up there any time soon as an experiment though, you'd need to at least pulverise it before embarking on your research, though I'm pretty sure we're talking specialised nutritional supplements)(ANYWAY) , but with only three days of those things to go, I'm not guaranteeing anything, mood wise as I'm pretty sure the waiting is going to get tortuous because I'm already worrying about NOT being on supplementation. Not because I'm so fond of the, uh, "process" I've got going on here at present, but because it's the sudden drop in progesterone that gives you your period. Not if you're pregnant, they tell me BUT WHAT IF?? I'm not kidding, this has kept me ALL NIGHT, the idea that what if my baby(s) are in there, and what if the cessation of these kinky goings on gives me a period REGARDLESS?

If (when?) I get my period, I KNOW I'm going to be wondering "what if...?".

And that will be torture.

Other than that and right at this point? I'm going well. I'm enjoying this time more than I'm not because right now, there's hope.

Reasons why I could actually be pregnant: the last time I was on progesterone - which can make you feel pregnant REGARDLESS of what the hell is going on in there - nothing. Zilch. Nada. I felt nothing AT ALL. This time? I'm a hormone factory, and my boobs are not happy. Nor am I because jesus h, would you look at the SIZE of my belly? If I am pregnant right now, at this rate, I'm going to look ELEVEN MONTHS pregnant by the time I hit the six week mark.

Mostly though, I'm not really thin king about it much at all. On the one hand I've been all "I should be FOCUSING more, and MEDITATING and VISUALISING!", while the other hand is waving dismissively and saying "meh, what will be will be.". And thanks to me being one lazy mofo, it's that hand that wins, every time.

Then I think, surely NOT focusing SO MUCH on Doing The Right Thing Emotionally To Ensure Success is actually MORE likely to ensure success because my god, it's HARD to be the perfect incubatory vessel when all you want to do is chill out. It's not like I'm doing stuff that's going to REDUCE my chances, you know? I mean, I'm not (unlike when I was a week pregnant with Daniel) knocking back the stollies, getting wildly drunk, and having all night monkey sex with my ex boyfriend (which is an EXAMPLE, not a REALITY)(or not)(ahem), nor am I having saunas or sitting in a spa until my insides are toast.

But! I HAVE been thinking about the whole "ten percent chance" thing.

That number is derived from the combination of women ranging from those who, despite medical intervention, never achieved pregnancy, to those that got knocked up really fucking easily, so really, any one of us going into this thing could personally have a probability factor anywhere in the zero to one hundred percent range, so while the collective is an intimidating ten percent, my personal probability might be really high.

Or maybe I'm high.

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