Saturday, May 17, 2008

I have opinions, you know

I'm back.

Not that I've been anywhere, mind, and having cleared that one up, let's get on to my riveting summary of the past week's activities:

Mother's day came and went and now that I'm a veteran of all the fanfare, I can confidently say that this prestigious day falls under the same heading as my birthday, Christmas, and to a large degree, Fathers Day. That is to say, it was sucky. It's going to be a few years until Daniel can wield a frypan and an espresso machine, so without the fully cooked breakfast, a short black, and the single rose in a vase to wake up to, it was a day just like any other. Except that, it being a family type day, visiting was out of the question, so we went for a walk in the morning, and then after Daniel's nap, we headed out again and walked to MacDonalds for my Mothers Day coffee and his run in their playground. Bonus Mothers' Day points were scored by all the families there because apparently nothing says I Love You, Ma like a trip to MacDonalds does. Seriously, it was like ANTS were all over the play equipment, there were so many kids out there. Daniel ran around with them all until it got too dangerous with the vast population of squealing preteens high on the wholesome goodness of Coke, coke, and more coke increasing by the minute, but it was bedtime by then anyway, so we headed home and that was that.

The non highlight of the day was when my brother and SIL called late in the day and while on their way home from her parent's place. They would have literally been passing my house as they dialed as her parents live five minutes from here. They're there AT LEAST once a week and yet never drop by to see their nephew. We rarely hear from either one of them. They don't call, they never visit, and they fail to show my son that they care.

Daniel is the most important thing in my life, and they may not realise it, but he is WAY more important than anything else in their lives too. I'm projecting bla bla BLA, but it hurts that Daniel isn't important enough to them for them to make time to see him. It hurts because my brother left me when I was ill (which, in rationalising my abandonment issues, is okay because you've got to save yourself from the sinking ship, and not go down nobly with it)(and he was my brother, not my parent)(on the other hand, not contacting your dying sister AT ALL? Not cool, not really)(obviously this IS all about me)(ANYWAY), and it hurts more because their (HIS) abandonment of Daniel feels like their (HIS) abandonment of me is SO complete that even my children aren't good enough to save.

Daniel's a child, and regardless of their lack of interest in me, they should be falling all over themselves to spend time with him. They'd deny that, of course, but to look objectively at the serious lack of ANY meaningful contact initiated by either one of them, there's no way you'd think we were related and that Daniel was AD's only nephew.

I hate that (what feels like and obviously needs more therapy to not feel like) my past failures have resulted in Daniel's isolation from my )(loser anyway, what is my problem?!) family being as complete as my own.

Whenever we talk (which, while it isn't a lot, is still about 34521% more often that we've spoken over the last twenty years), AD's all "Bring Daniel over!", and you know what? Fuck that. I've brought him over efuckingnough.

I shouldn't have to place Daniel right in front of them for them to notice him, and I'm not going to do it anymore. What kind of message is that to send a child anyway? That you don't exist unless you're visible? That's how I was raised and I'll be fucked if I'm going to raise my son that way too.

Projecting. I KNOW.

Regardless, it's been two and a half years of them dodging my invitations and of me being sociable and pleasant and calling on birthday's and Christmas and keeping in contact in between times and of putting in the past how AWFUL my brother has been to me over the years, so fuck it. I'm done. I'm done accepting that if they're going to be significant in Daniel's life, I need to literally drop him in their lap in the comfort of their own home for that relationship to occur. I'd rather Daniel had NO relationship with his uncle that have one that was dependent on Daniel's locale.

And that about covers Mothers Day.

The rest of the week passed in a blur of ferrying Daniel around as I worked my regular classes and observed the additional classes I'll be taking on for the next nine weeks. For the most part, it's been an experiment as I've been able to have Daniel mill around while I've taught in the past, and I wanted to see if we could wangle it again. Answer? Hell no, because Daniel behaved like a TOTAL PILL for all but one class, and that seriously harshed my work orientated buzz. Man, I'd really been looking forward to these new classes before then as because of the extra workload, Daniel is in childcare four days a week now, and I wanted to be able to take him with me so that I wouldn't be away from him all day. The Grande Plan was to spend the mornings together before he went to childcare to nap half of the afternoon away anyway, and then I'd have picked him up sometime after three, later if I needed to do something that is best achieved when sans a midget tugging at my pants' leg. Now it's going to be that much PLUS all morning, and that adds up to ALL DAY.

Quel horreur because seriously? Thanks Germaine, but I don't want it all. I want to be Daniel's mother, and I don't want to work at all, much less work more, and when I do work, I want to be away from him as little as I can while still managing to not turn to drink before selling him on the black market. The rest of the world seems to not want to lose themselves in motherhood, but I can think of no greater privilege than to exist only for my son. If they were reading this, a million feminists' heads just exploded, but isn't all this equal right bullshit meant to be about choosing the life we want? Why then, is virtually every woman I know busting their guts to have a life they don't really want? Hands up anyone who, when handed a crayon and asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, wrote "I want to feel guilty for working at all, guilty for not working enough, and guilty for being a working mother".

It's taken Daniel's entire lifetime to accept that not wanting to work doesn't mean I'm lazy. I haven't fully integrated this new knowledge though, because I still wrangle with guilt for being just that. Lazy. As if this life is one of peeled grapes and bon bons.

So, uh, yeah. That's the week in review. I had a shitty mothers day and a few life, the universe and everything thoughts.

Daniel's playing on the floor next to me now, and because Target had 50% of selected Thomas items today, he's building an entire branchline through our house. In between times we've been sticking stuff onto other stuff, and thumbing through his well worn Thomas books.

Life is good.

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