Tuesday, May 03, 2005

oh my head

Today I see the RE unit counsellor because this is all too much to handle on my own. Things aren't going to well over here at casa di aibee, and last night, I told the father to stay away from me because I dpn't want to deal with his shit. It's not about what's best for the two of us, it's about what's best for the us I am now, me and this child, and I dont think having him around is the best solution.

I am, of course, an emotional and hormonal wreck right now, so what I think is probably worth shit.

I don't know what else to do though, because I do NOT want to wait for him to sort his shit out. Before, eh, I didn't give two shits how he ran his life, I wasn't part of it, it didn't affect me. Now though, how he runs his life will directly affect my child, if I allow it, and I will not allow my child to suffer because he's ashamed of us.

Cop this: he plans on telling his daughter AFTER this kid is already born and fuck knows how long he's going to wait. Can you picture it? His daughter will be, like, fifteen and he'll be all 'darling, can you guess who this adorable five year old is?'.

What I find most difficult to accept is his unwillingness to talk to anyone professional about how best to go about announcing this life changing news to his ten year old-and to his family and friends-because he's convinced he's already come up with the best option. It may well be the best option, but how can he assume to know if he doesn't explore others? It's delusional, in my opinion, to grab the first idea and run with it, with no consideration given to the consequences. Yeah, yeah, I'm a control freak but also in my opinion, if he wants to sort this out and be a part of our life, he needs to stop thinking about lying about us NOW, and start thinking about how best to meld his two lives-the one with me and the kid, and the one I don't know about, the one with his family and friends.

He doesn't want to do that, and I don't want to be a part of some big lie he wants to construct.

Thing is though he's all I have, and I don't know what in fuck to do. I just want to stay home and see no one. I don't want to tell my mum I'm pregnant, but I'm thinking I may have to move to where she lives, because sometimes you've got to do things you really don't want to do in order to do what's best.

Or something.

*banging head against wall*

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