Tuesday, April 26, 2005

for what you are about to read

Please don't hate me. I hate me enough for the whole world.

I feel so guilty because I'm going to be this child's sun and moon and I don't want it. Instead of celebrating what I got, I'm all fucked up about losing what I planned.

I wanted to do IVF. I wanted to do this on my own. I wanted what I wanted, and I didn't get what I wanted and I resent that.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not excited, I'm regretful. I want a child, but I don't want this child. It's so sad, not for me, for it, and I'm sitting here wallowing about how awful it is for me.

It shouldn't be about me anymore. It should be about my child.

I'm my own mother all over again.


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