Sunday, April 03, 2005


As previously noted, I tend to internalise my concerns so well that I don't even recognise the stressors. Consequently, I've only this minute realised just how wired I am, and why.

It's accepted that waiting for the outcome of treatment is very stressful. Well, fuck that. I'm stressed waiting to commence treatment.

My IVF protocol begins on Day 21, and I'm still waiting for Day frikkin 1.

I'm upset too, because my last appointment at the reproductive unit, was on Day 21, so let's file that under the Lost Opportunity heading, shall we?

On that day, I saw Marc and then had the 'booking on' process explained to me by Whatsername.

How it works is, on Day 1 of my next cycle, I call in to 'book on'. I start Synarel on Day 21, followed by more drugs commencing on days whose numbers I don't recall, which is all in preparation for an egg retrieval a month later and during the following cycle. That's all good and well, but I don't know when my next Day 1 is going to be. It could be anytime between last Monday and when I die of old age. In an ideal world, today is Day 7, but it's not an ideal world, I'm already a week late so today is Day 34, but it may as well be Day seven hundred and fifty two, and I've already been worrying about this for the last few weeks and....hang on, cleansing breath, and stop with the rambling incoherently.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I was talking to Whatsername on what was an actual, real Day 21. I suggested then, that I commence Synarel immediately, what with my unpredictable cycle factor and all. I thought it was GREAT idea, but she was all 'Oh, I don't think they'd like that very much, it's a bit late in the day, need more notice bla bla wank bla.' so I, like an idiot, nodded obediently.

Why did I listen to my stupid, stupid agreeable self? It's now two weeks of worrying later, and I'm worried that it might be another week or two or three or aaaargh. Even if I start my period today, I've already lost more than ten percent of the allotted time frame. (don't even try to follow my logic here, and is that how you spell 'allotted'?) I can't afford to waste time doing soemthing as menial as waiting around for my stupid period to arrive. Also, I don't give a shit about how 'they' feel about being given short notice. I didn't then and I sure as shit don't now. I feel sick thinking about the at least six weeks that've already been wasted because I didn't insist on starting Synarel last month, and if someone could remind me to breathe, I'd really appreciate it.

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