Wednesday, March 30, 2005

I tend to be an observer more than I am a participant, and that's why I like it here.

Here, I can disappear and people still visit. I can document the contents of my mind and not feel I'm demanding attention. When people read, I know they do so not because I forced them to , but because they want to and are, quite possibly, interested in how I am. Who I am, even.

There's a lot of comfort and very little stress in sitting back and reclining elegantly as the world involves me in it, even when I don't know how to involve myself.

Last night, shit for brains Stef and I had a chat. That's code for me asking him wtf? and him telling me he assumed this and that and based his actions on those delusions assumptions.

He dropped of the face of my earth because he assumed I didn't want to see him, and now, I don't want to see him because he dropped off the face of my earth. Out of the two of us, I'm the only one who sees the irony in that.

He wants to be supportive (bla bla wank wank) and I appreciate that, I really do. He wants to be someone I call if I need to. However, because of deficicts in my character, I find it extremely difficult to seek that support. In fact, I find it particularly difficult during times when I could probably do with it the most. Thing is, I don't need to call anyone. I don't need anyone, period, and maybe because of that self sufficiency, I don't understand what it means when he says he's 'there for me'. I don't feel comfortable demanding attention, so if he wants to be all those things for me, he needs to be here for me first. Unless I'm sure he wants to be here, I won't go there, not because I'm stubborn, but because I'm scared of not being welcome.

In my world, you see, the squeaky wheel doesn't get more grease, it gets left outside because it was making too much noise.

I know that I've got to accept friendship as it is offered, and not demand it be offered in ways I recognise, and I generally do. Scratch that, always do, and that's why Stef and I have worked for so long. Generally speaking though, is it so wrong to acknowledge an offer of support, and say 'thankyou, and since you offered, this is what I need'?

2005-2007© aibee