Friday, March 25, 2005

mini meltdown

I start IVF in a month, and I'm doing this on my own using donor sperm.

It's not so much that I don't know how to tell anyone, it's that I don't know if to tell them.

I'm scared that this will work, I'm scared that it won't. I'm scared that this is only important to me. I'm scared of telling and having those I tell not care enough. Feeling alone doesn't scare me, but I'm scared of knowing I'm alone. What if I tell, and I'm left alone regardless? I'm scared of what my life will be like with a child, and just as scared of what it will be without one. I'm so fucking scared right now.

Bar a couple of noticable and extremely welcome exceptions, my strike rate with interested parties hasn't been too good. My family knows but none have been interested enough to contacted me. I wrote my mum a veritable tome about this, and her reply? Two lines. 'That's exciting bub, keep me in the loop'.

Uh, okay.....

See, the victim in me feels that if she was interested, she'd keep herself in my loop.

My experience of family and support and unconditional love has been less than stellar, and I kind of believe I'm insignificant to everyone. I don't want it proven though, so if I don't let anyone in, I don't get hurt.

It's safer on the periphery, and that's where I stay-which is insulting to anyone who cares about me, as I'm there because that I dont trust that they do.


I feel guilty about saying anything about this, much less asking for support, because in my mind at least, it's a big ask and a heavy burden.

I don't want anyone to be involved because they feel they should be-but they want to be, then that's okay. I'm scared I won't know the difference though.

I'm also scared of the zit that's developing its hugeness on the side of my nose. Hello second head. God.

2005-2007© aibee