Friday, May 21, 2010

and I have a cold, GOD

Knowing that 95% of breast lumps are benign isn't helping much right now.

Jane was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and she's had the surgery and it all looks good and she's totally going to be a breast cancer survivor, and yesterday she said something about small boobs and dense breast tissue and I figured I should probably cop a feel of MY small, dense boobs, so I did, which is why I'm quoting figures from a breast cancer site: there's a lump in my right boob (although I should probably call it A Breast now)

By some stroke of luck, I got to see my own doctor within an hour of the initial "OHFUCK" moment, because dude is booked a week in advance and the receptionist was trying to find me someone else to see that day ("her: "Dr Caddle?", me: "Uh, no. Apparently I'd rather DIE than see him again") when she squealed in excitement because someone had just cancelled! Just then!

On the one hand, I think this is really lucky. On the other, I think the universe gave me my own doctor because This Isn't Good.

Fortunately though, I was felt up by someone I know, and unfortunately, the lump I was hoping would be a phantom Empathy With Jane non-lump, turned out to be A Lump.

If you know me at all - then again, if you've been reading here lately you probably don't much about me because this place has become a virtual cone of silence - I'm not a drama queen and am being all logical and whatnot about this probably non cancerous thingummyjig in mah boob, but you know what else? THERE'S NO WAY I'M NOT GONNA WORRY THE SHIT OUT OF THE NEXT WEEK TO TEN DAYS UNTIL I KNOW JUST WHAT IN FUCK IT IS INTENTIONAL CAPSLOCK.

I look at my son and think my worst fears are being realised ie I'm shit scared of dying and leaving him alone. SHIT. SCARED.

It's not just irrational panic, either. I inhaled a cloud of asbestos dust around fifteen years ago, when some wanker from the council electric sawed a broken fence right outside my window, so now I've only got five to fifteen years to know if I'm going to die of mesothelioma or not. Wee!

Now, before anyone gets all "UNLIKELY!" on my ass, my dad died of mesothelioma. He never even SAW asbestos then one day, he DIED from it.

So I haz fears.

I'm also scared of being hit by a bus or any of the other usual ways of dying young too, just so we're clear, because I have a child and I don't want to leave him, so I don't think not wanting to die is particularly irrational.

But let's get back to the more immediate threat on my life ie The Lump.

I can't get an ultrasound until I get my period because hormonal changes make it hard to visualise or some shit. I'm guessingthat regardless of what shows up, there's going to be a needle biopsy, and I know all this because I had a lump removed sometime around the turn of the century, back when I didn't have a child then, was younger and therefore more invincible, but when they called me with the biopsy results I nearly passed out because I didn't realise just HOWSCARED I'd been about the results.

God, that was fun. The needle biopsy gave an indeterminate result, and the surgeon was all concerned because there were no duct cells, and the lump was irregular, and the effing needle monkey had exclaimed over the unusalness of the lump. "WOW, It's so STRANGE and HARD", and I was all"REALLY? I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT?". The surgeon wanted to do another needle biopsy, except when I asked her if we could just cut that bitch out instead, she said "I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED ARE YOU FREE TOMORROW?".

So it was cut out and it wasn't cancer and this won't be either.

Your job is to convince me.



You said it already, but it bears repeating:

95% of breast lumps are benign

95% of breast lumps are benign

95% of breast lumps are benign

More chance of being hit by a bus

More chance of being hit by a bus

More chance of being hit by a bus

Even if it was cancerous, which it isn't, but even if it was, yeah? Latest UK statistics show that three-quarters of people diagnosed with breast cancer live at least another 10 years, and bear in mind some of those will have died of old age, or other causes including the aforementioned bus. And you're in Australia which has higher survival rates than Europe.

Also: you have seen a doctor, you know the routine, the process is a-processing. You are taking all possible steps to find out what is going on and deal with it. This is good. This is positive.

Finally, and slightly more importantly, *hugs*.

By Blogger Mary, at 7:17 PM  

I love your title.

I just read a book where the main character said his mom told him when he was panicked to think "Fish in a pond, fish in a pond, fish in a pond." I don't know why either. But fish in a pond, fish in a pond, fish in a pond.

By Blogger Swistle, at 10:10 PM  

Yeah, do remember that even though I had lumps galore on the left boob, I had one on the right that was absolutely nothing. And I have a tendency to get breast cancer and all and you don't. Dense breasts also tend to be lumpy, you know. I can't tell you not to worry because you will anyway, but even if you have something, no one dies from breast cancer anymore.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:26 PM  

Regardless of the numbers and percentages, when you become a mother, it all becomes real. Period.

I am glad you are okay, Anna. That was some scary shit.

By Blogger Cagey (Kelli Oliver George), at 12:18 AM  

That wasn't cancer and this won't be either. I promise.

By Blogger Miss Grace, at 1:03 AM  

I'm full o' lumps. Lost my shit too when I found THE lump, ie the first one. Fibrocystic Breast Disease. Very common, very benign. But scares the hell out of ya.

This won't be cancer, Aibs. You're going to be fine and you're going to raise Daniel and be an old, decrepit woman before you get hit by a bus.


By Blogger Angie, at 6:38 AM  

Mary, you always say the most sensible things, and package them with love and caring. You're awesome. xx

Swistle, Fish In a Pond? Check. Thanks for that, babe! I'm more in the Not Cancer frame of mind, then logic/insanity steps in and says "but it COULD be, fool".

Jane, I doubt it's cancer, but I guess no one can really get past the whole "what if?" headfuck until they know for sure. Man, this waiting for the next week (or more!) to get past that is going to chaff my ass.

Cagey, doesn't it? Before I had Daniel, I was all, not keen on it but it happens to everyone eventually. Now I've got him, I'm a little less ambivalent, and a lot more I DO NOT WANT AN EARLY EXIT.

Miss Grace, you're the best xx :)

Angie, LOL! You're wise and hilarious. I love you, chick xx

By Blogger aibee, at 10:56 AM  

Hi, I'm new to your blog but I had to chime in. I found my lump in Jan. Yes, it was cancer. BUT, the good news? There are so many things they can do, it's almost impossible to NOT be cured! Turns out, I don't need chemo. I had a lumpectomy and I'm in the middle of radiation now. Radiation? It's a piece of cake. My skin is a little red...and my boob...she's a little sore, but I'm fine. Life is still going on and I'm not sick. So, although I'd tell you not to's impossible not I won't.


I'm not sure why you have to wait for your ultrasound. I didn't have to wait. I had mine done a week or two before my period. As a matter of fact, the minute I told them I had a lump, they set up the ultrasound. If I were you, I wouldn't wait...why should anyone have to wait? That's added stress and torture that you don't need. Seriously....

Anyway, this is all advice from a stranger, but I have gone through this. Chances are, it won't be cancer...but if it is, it won't be as bad as you think!

Take care,

By Anonymous Tayna, at 12:39 PM  


I'm all about you being around to worry about your grandchildren (when Daniel is a proper age for them), so I'll be praying!

Love ya,


By Blogger Journey, at 5:18 AM  

My mum had lumpy boobies when she was in her early 40's. Anyway, we were all really crazy scared because me and my brother were only teenagers and it seemed like this was the end of the world was we knew it and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth in our house for about 2 weeks until Mum had a lumpectomy and it wasn't cancerous, it was to do with normal hormonal changes.

I feel it in me old Irish Bones that it won't be cancerous for you either!

Blessed be Aibee.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:21 PM  

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