this is a) deep, or b) bullshit

LH surge on Monday, August 17, insemination that morning and on Saturday the 15th, the latter being a COMPLETE waste of time because I would have ovulated on Wednesday the 19th.

So Saturday's didn't count for shit, and there should have been a third insemination on the Tuesday but the nurse in charge was all "she's had her two inseminations..." when I went asked "What, no follow up tomorrow? But we ALWAYS do one the day AFTER that surge.", which is HOW IT'S MEANT TO GO, and how MY SPECIALIST says it should go.

But I'm probably get pregnant this month anyway, because I've been doing everything wrong too, because fuckit, you know?

Progesterone was 47 on Wednesday, which is a good number, just like all the other months have been. Huzzah, bla *yawn*.

If I'm NOT pregnant (which, yeah), then we're going in with a camera to check for scar tissue in mah ute Friday week, because my periods have changed A LOT since the D&C last year, and I don't want some doctor say to me in several year's time, "whoa, scar tissue. LOTS of it. No wonder you got pregnant SO EASILY the first two times and then...*crickets*" (because my age has NOTHING to do with it, OBV) when we could find it NOW, if it exists, and DO SOMETHING about it while there's still time.

Because I really HAVE got pregnant easily in the past. Daniel? *Wham*, pregnant, without even trying, and then I beat the odds and fell into the 2% of Women Of A Certain Age who conceive twins on a two embryo transfer.

Which is why this is so hard to give up.

I've given myself until the end of the year, with a grey area from then to the end of February, when I turn *mumblemumblerhymeswithdoortydoor* years old ie When I am Officially Over The Hill.

Anyway.

I'm at the end of fertility, I know that, and the choice to have a baby or not is pretty much out of my grasp.

Even from here, though, I still believe that if you have a dream, even if the odds are absolutely against it, go for it. Do whatever it takes because it IS the journey, it's not JUST the destination that satisfies. And one day the opportunity will be gone and you have the rest of your life to wonder "what if...?".

I'm not a big advice giver becasue seriously, live your life how you see fit, and if I think you're doing it wrong, it's YOUR life, and who says I'm right anyway?

(Well, I do, but whatevs. Live, learn, enjoy the fallout from your exceptionally bad man choices!)

(what?)

But in this instance, take my advice, or I'll smack you around a bit until you see the light because a lifetime is a long, long to time feel regret. Don't let the want for something bigger than yourself float through time until your ability to choose is gone. Don't let that time pass without knowing what you can and what you're willing to do to make it happen. Whatever you choose to do, MAKE it a choice, because to paraphrase the Rolling Stones, even if you never get what you want, you will inevitably get what you need.