Friday, March 09, 2007

Ass Hattery

Over at what the BLOG!? control centre, today is the day those of us sporting a fancy badge nominate our contenders for the inaugural (and prestigious!) Ass Hat Awards, because everyone knows at least one total Ass Hat.

Case in point:

That I can post this entry at all could be considered a fucking miracle if one was not aware of the joy it is to be signed up with the clusterfuck gotalk refer to as their Australian owned, publicly unlisted, fast growing, full service telco company. I've been trying to cancel my broadband since January, and lookit, I'm still here.

I signed up last November on the promise of cheap VoIP phone calls with a free headset and credit and something else for free that I can't remember, a car maybe? and a really rad deal involving a home phone line for the unlimited download, 512k speed, wired broadband they dangled in front of my face (reminds me of how I dangle a small morsel of food in front of Daniel's when trying to avert the wantwantwantywantwant, waah crisis that could be the result of taking him out of the bathroom and specifically, out of the toilet bowl), and also because I am somewhat of an ISP slut. Anyone can have me if they sweet talk me enough. I have no sense of loyalty, none at all, woot! As an aside, that reference to the phone/broadband thing must make me sound about a hundred years old, what with all the speaking of such antiquated museum pieces when surrounded by the many, many, many wireless high speed freaks reading my uber-popular bloggy thing right now, but considering we as a nation, are about a million years behind you when it comes to all things internetty, I'm actually a gal who's ahead of her times, but ANYWAY, a seductive dealio came my way that promised to be WAY cheaper than the plan I was on, so I was all Dude, sign me up. (about the toilet bowl/food thing, the boy's hand are thoroughly scrubbed clean between the two events, so there's no need to A. call child services or B. tell my mother, thank you for your concern)

A little over a month went by and in that time I'd been on the on the phone about fifty eight times trying to get tech support to set up my damn VoIP account because their software worked for shit. Mostly they advised me to upgrade to a VoIP modem which, due to the rocks I have in my head that pass, usually quite convincingly, for brains, I did, cancelling my free headset dealio, saying goodbye to even more spondoolies a month, and saying hello to a two year contract that, I was advised, I could cancel at any moment on return of the modem which, why would you bother calling it a contract anyway?

Then my first phone bill arrived and I put it aside, which is the mature way I deal with the monetary outgoings of this household. I opened it about three weeks later, at which time I about shit myself.

People, it was for over three hundred dollars which, what the fuck? No way. So red pen in hand, I spent some time wading through the quagmire that was my account,and found over a hundred and eighty smackeroos in superfluous chargage. That still left me around twenty bucks over my usual monthly spend, and *yawn*, can I include boring superfluous detail or what? Point being, this VoIP thing wasn't working, especially since I'd not been able to enjoy the benefits of my VoIP because a) it didn't work in the first instance and b) in the second instance, the modem never arrived, a minor detail I'd over looked because on a day to day basis, my mind is occupied with things that interest me more than missing hardware. I figured I'd wear the charges for first month modem rental as it had taken me almost as long to open the damn bill to find the extra charge, but call them and ask exactly how high were they, in re the other charges, but would wear the charge for one of the several headset deal VoIP charges for the same Took Three Weeks To Notice reason. So I highlighted the several billion erroneuous charges they'd thrown my way, the vision in my head being to call them up so we could all have a little chuckle at how silly it all was, tra la. Revisiting that whole 'rocks for brains' thing, I thought too, that I'd stay with them for one more month, you know, to get a clearer picture of what this Australian owned bla bla bla could offer. That, friends, is code for I'm an idiot. Anyway, having navigated my way through their telephone tree, and ...meh, forget it. I'm not going to bore you with the details of what ensued once I was taken off hold, suffice to say by the end of the conversation I was satisfied that the problems were solved, the accounts were cancelled, the credits were issued and liddlelambsidivey and oh, how we laughed etc. Yes sir, by the end of that phone call, I was one happy camper.

Again, rocks. For brains.

The next month arrived and with it, a new gotalk bill, in which had none of the credits and all of the extra accounts remained, and with another additional charge for I don't know what the fuck.

That was in early January, and between now and then, I've been on hold for approximately the same amount of time it would take to gestate a baby elephant and raise it to puberty. I'm not going to detail the vast number of phone calls I've made, nor am I going to bla bla bla on about the details of the incompetent bullshit I've endured, nor the uncredited credits, the slow speeds or the unreturned phonecalls and emails.

Worth menton though, is the cancellation charge for the modem account on my most recent bill. It's for three hundred and sixteen bucks because, wait for it, I never returned the modem.

Do you know what's really funny? Insert waves crashing on beaches right here because that's the time that a gotalk representative telephoned me mid this last little rant. I was all, great, a debt collector trying to shake me down for the now seven hundred (I shit you not) outstanding dollars, but he was a sales rep calling to sell me some of their fantabulous products. Dude admitted to checking my existing account so I'm a little amused that he'd want me to sign up for yet more delight with this bunch of circus freaks. I told him thankyou very much but I'll pass, can you please be a love and pass my file to Michael?

Michael is the last in a long line of wads promising to fix shit and call me back, and who have done neither.

*more waves, more beaches*

That was Tom calling back instead and seriously, this guy should be bucking for a promotion to CEO of this here animal farm. Dude knows his shit, and even if he doesn't, I believe that he does, and that folks, is what good customer service is all about! Our conversation has been termniated on the promise of my kingdom come, my will be done etc, sometime on the 26th of this month. I've been trying to cancel this shitty account with them for over two months and it STILL hasn't happened, but if the beloved Tom were to make magic happen today, I'd be without the internet over the weekend and for at least three more days after that because of something to do with the wholesaling of some shit to other ISPs which...what? As I love my fans too much to deprive y'all of my special brand of joy for that long of a time, and seeings as how I won't need to entertain you, me or anyone else while I'm trashed on some really good drugs for at least a few days after that date, that's why that date.

bla bla bla, the end.


snippet: Daniel has been in his backpack this entire time, amusing himself on my back and with a pen in his hand. Yes sirree, that's oneinteresting facial decoration you got going there, dude. I suspect too, that the back of my neck resembles the face of a Maori warrior.

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