Tuesday, May 17, 2005

that do goody good bullshit


Because of the (pausing for dramatic effect) anorexia that literally almost stole my life over many, many years (thankyou, I'll be here all week), my work history is patchy at best, and being pregnant, the work I do now isn't really something I can continue for too much longer. I don't have anything else that I am, like a journalist, an engineer, a nurse, or a receptionist, or anything to go back to once I leave the gym. I've worked in sales in the past, telemarketing mostly, and marketing and revenue, but nothing that had a title, nothing I could say I was. I was, and always have been, a wafter.

What I need to do is get my Bowen stuff going, because I can do that right up until I give birth (which, by the way, eek) and afterwards too, I suppose. It's not like you can drag clients in off the street though, it really is word of mouth, and making what I do known among the people I do mix with, and it's not being shy about being forward.

That last bit? I suck at.

By the way, I'm totally aware that everytime I say something like 'I could do blabla, but...', that 'but' represents a cop-out of monumental proportions. There's a lot of things I could do, but I'm too gutless, is what I mean. What I should be saying is 'there's a lot of things I can do...', but fuck the sematics, I wanna wallow. Wah.

Most of my life has been about surviving, not living, so there are no savings to draw from. Truth is, I've done well considering the limited income I've been on for so long, so yay for me. It's only relatively recently that I've become something, and have been paid for being that something. Granted, it's not really enough to save on, but it's been enough to keep me out of trouble, and to afford me the luxury of not going deeper and deeper into debt.

Reading back, I'm reminded that my life has been pathetic, really, and now I'm reproducing? Sweet geebus. I'm the drain on society that people complain about. Wallow, wah, etc.

The bills are coming in, as they always do, but with my - our - financial future to worry about now, they're wearing a hole in my sanity.

On the upside, the serene, madonna like pregnancy hormones seemed to have kicked in this week, so while I'm worried, I'm also wafting through the day not really feeling the kick of the amount of worry I'm investing in my monetary woes. *beatific smile*

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