Thursday, April 21, 2005

buckle up

This is certainly an interesting ride.

Sadness washes over me in waves, and is so profound I can barely breathe. Rather than creating sadness though, I wonder if the Synarel is merely making it more difficult to carry on regardless of the sadness I already feel.

One of the difficulties too, is wondering if to tell, who to tell and how to tell, so generally, I don't tell.

Last night though, in the minutes before my first class started, I told.

One of the regulars put her hand on my arm and asked if I was okay. I wasn't, and her kind touch left me struggling to keep my shit together. Rose took me aside then, and offered a part of her self. She told me that I didn't need to say anything, but that if I wanted to, sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger. She's hardly a stranger, in that I see her each week, but I got her point, and so took what I thought was a risk, and told her simply that the IVF drugs were doing a number on my brain.

She totally got what was going on, just like that *snapping fingers* and I swear, I felt better immediately. Stupid and all, but better. Rose said too, that she knew something big was up and that she knew good things were ahead. She asked me when it was all happening, and assured me she'd be with me in spirit from now on, and especially on the day.

I'm more than misting up right now, just thinking about her. I wish you all a Rose in your life, if only for a minute.

She went on to say some truly beautiful things, things you'd expect from a close and loving friend. I suppose then, that she is one, in the context that we know each other.

The oddest thing about IVF has been the diversity of reactions it invokes. I've told maybe a handful of people, and in doing so, feel I've created distance between some I thought would care very much, and drawn to me those I'd hoped would care, and who do- but so much more than I'd ever expected.

That doesn't sound right, and I'll probably come back an edit some more because that last paragraph isn't meant to be about distance, but about lack of it. I haven't explained well enough how warmed I am by the kindness of strangers, and warmed too by the realisation that while I may not know them very well, they're not really strangers after all.

2005-2007© aibee