Sunday, March 09, 2008

dear ovaries, wtf?

This morning's scan went down like a lead balloon.

We saw two follicles on the left ovary. That's it, which explains why I feel fine. My right ovary is a complete mystery to everyone but god (who hates me) because it was completely and totally obscured by bowel. Dr IHaveNoIdea said air, but I suspect it's a little less gas and a little more, uh, not gas, because mornings are usually my time *coughcough*. I get up and hey presto, my day is underway. This morning though? OF COURSE. Then, when the doctor was late, I was all "shit (HA) do I have time to go or not?!" because you can be sure that the minute I left the waiting room, the nurse (who, in proving that god really hates me, was that fucking bitch from January) would have been stamping her bitchy foot while tapping her wristwatch and tutting at my inability to get on the table and into the stirrups in a timely fashion. And then she'd would have shoved me back to the end of the queue.

Next time, I swear I'm just going to take a dump RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE and they can live with the consequences.


Two and a bit follicles. One measuring I don't remember, 14x16mm? The other measuring 11mmx13, I think, while the last one snuck into the generic range of "under 10mm", which I think is IVF equivilant of a grim face and bad news.

In keeping with the god/hate theme, while my right ovary was obscured by my bowel (sex-ay!), my left was hiding behind my uterus, an organ which, thank that vengeful god for small mercies, was a possible high point of the morning. It has nice lining which has got to be coming from somewhere which, while they provide shit all information, I understand to mean is reflective of rising estrodial levels. Levels which *finger in air, hope on face*, according to Dr Google, rise relative to the developing follicles. Dr Google also told me that a mature follicle measures in at 18mm, so I'm not there yet.

I'm finally intere3sting to the unit though, so there's another scan booked for Tuesday morning at 7.45am, which I think will be the perfect time for another good look at the contents of my bowels.

In the meantime, I've got to find some way to deal with feeling of utter hopelessness. So far I've been tackling it by ignoring my beautiful son, but usually I best work through unbearable feelings by collating information, even if I can do squat with what I've learned. It's the process that helps me, not the knowledge. If feel like if I knew those estrodial levels, I'd be better equipped to wade through this personal quagmire of bleah, but I don't want call the unit to get them because that nurse is the kind of person who'd reassure a recent amputee by telling them they were lucky because they still had one leg. I'd like to hear that my estrodial levels are promising. Or not promising. I'd just like to know because then I'd at least be able to do something with this despair. Right now I'm caught in that no man's land of "Can I feel like shit? Or is feeling like shit being indulgent because things are actually going really well?".

What I need right now is to be able to see the bigger picture, which is something I'm not so great at finding for myself. If someone points is out though, I'm always "LE DUH" because once shown, it's so fucking obvious, and then I'm okay.

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