Tuesday, March 07, 2006

news in

Daniel's a birth has finally been registered, and there's a big, fat blank where the father's details should be.

I should be, but I'm not relieved. Sure, Stef doesn't want to acknowledge this child right now, and in my arena, angels should be singing, but what about the day he wants to play Daddy? God but I dread that day. I'd want to fight it all the way because not sharing my son with that (oh my, I almost said the "c" word) man would make me very, very happy, but if it'd make Daniel happy to be with him, I'd have to smile and be happy for him, even as it's killing me. Thinking of waving that little boy off each Wednesday and every other Friday...I know it does no good to worry about what may never happen, but this is me and that's not about to happen, so thinking about not having Daniel for those days, and knowing who he'd be with...I can hardly breathe.

I'm angry and I'm sad too- and hell no, I'm not sad because Stef isn't around. That'd be a HUGE negative on that one Batman. I'm sad because I have abandonment issues n' shit, and Daniel being rejected like this, well, it makes me sad in case it makes him sad one day, and I'm angry because I'd like to smack the bejeezuz out of any fucker who makes my child sad.


About the fatigue (oh, the fatigue) I mentioned earlier. My god. It has nothing to do with this new mother crap, though it is complicated by it. It's not a Need To Nap kind of tired, more of an Who Put Cement In My Shoes? kind of feeling. Lifting my leg to put one foot down, repeat as desired, is killing me. No shit, I'm so tired I can hardly walk. It's been like this for years now, in varying degrees - since I gained weight actually, how naff is that? I had energy to burn when I was a stick figure, and yet for the four years I've weighed more than ninety pounds, ugh. This was of course, initially complicated by the thyroid issues I acquired a nano second after the weight gain, and then the bout of mono I contracted after that, then the two surgeries after that for the annoying lumps etc appearing in places they shouldn't be, then the relapse of mono following that (oy), so every year or so I get on the medical bandwagon, donate a shitload of blood and hope that some goon can find something innocuous - and entirely fixable - that's causing this bone numbing fatigue. Or give me script for methamphetamine. Yeah. You think I kid? When I was doing fifty billion classes a week and working so hard, I was tired not because of the workload, I worked despite being exhausted, and if I wasn't such a scaredy cat, a hit of whizz wouldn't have been out of the question on many a day, yessiree Bob.

So anyway, it's time again to address this tiredness shit so I'm seeing yet another doctor and have had the gallons of blood leeched. Apart from my thyroid levels being in my fucking shoes, another result came back looking dodgy. Now while there's no real definitive diagnosis, this result may be one that says "Yes! you may have Chronic Fatigue, the Syndrome, not just the Fatigued, Chronically version. Let's investigate!!".


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