Saturday, November 12, 2005

speaking of mothers

which I wasn't but anyway, mine is arriving next Wednesday.

I'm scared.

I mean, we've been getting along well since she found out I'm carrying the latest model bee, but phone versus living in my house? I'm used to living alone, I'm used to being alone - I like it even - and this is the last few weeks I'll ever be alone again.

I'm scared I'll feel unsettled with her here, and I'm scared she'll feel rejected.

I'm not used to being a daughter and I'm not used to having a mother. I haven't experienced either in over twenty years.

I feel bad for her too, because I'm not all excited about her imminent arrival. It's not that I don't want her here. I do, but I don't know how I'm going to handle it, and I'm worried mum already feels unwanted.

She doesn't want to stay with my brother because he's an arsehole, but she's going to split her time between his place and mine, for me, not for her. She feels unwanted by him too because he's an arsehole.

Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, this feeling so sad for mum that her family didn't turn out like - what's that show on TV, the one with the preacher and his fecund wife, who obviously get it on a lot, because they have several children raging in age from Hot Older Brother to Cute Twin Boys, who all act out but who are always there for each other, resulting in a Christian message subliminally contained in every episode? - them, but I don't think so. Even at my most bitter, I've felt sad for her at how things turned out.

And evidently, I'm a more balanced than I thought, as when mum told me her opinion of my brother had changed, and when a mutual friend told me that mum had told her (are we keeping up?) that mum felt she couldn't stay with him as he's been so awful to me, I wasn't glad. I would've thought most siblings would rejoice when their mother, who had always thought their brother shat diamonds, realised they were the golden child and the other child sucked. When mum told me of her fractured vision of him, I honestly wished she could hold onto her dreams of him for ever, so that she'd never know what a fuck he really is. :(

2005-2007© aibee