Whoever said..

..life wasn't meant to be easy, sure knew his shit.

I've wanted a nicer smile ever since about a month after my parents asked me if I wanted bands, and I said no.

Hindsight is a bitch and stuff, but Mum, Dad? I was eleven.

Criminy.

My smile isn't horrific or anything, it's just that it's not a wide smile.

My dentist told me I needed bands when I was just a young 'un. My parents didn't act upon the need though and instead, several healthy, albeit unruly, teeth were removed and the illusion of order was created.

(Sorry? What was that? Well yes, I am still bitter. Why do you ask?)

Being a geriatric old crone with a penchant for free stuff, and with a health fund who will cover the cost, I went along to an orthodontist to get me some straight teeth, yo. He sent me to an oral surgeon though, and he, after consulting with my orthodontist and looking at my four hundred million x-rays, told me my teeth can't be satisfactorily straightened at present.

Then he explained why my smile is less that Hollywood movie star-esque.

Apparently my upper jaw that never grew properly. ( !) Removing so many teeth at a young age also removes the need for jaw to grow to accomodate a full set of pearly whites in adulthood, and that results in the whole mid face region not growing to accomodate a growing jaw.

The best bit? This inbalance in size gets worse with time. It was oddly reassuring to know that I'm not imagining my cheekbones are getting flatter as I get older. They really are, so I'm not insane.

Now that's good news, isn't it? More good news is that, uncorrected and with enough time, I could end up looking like Grover.

At this point, I'd like to point out that I don't look like some kind of muppet freak.

Not yet anyway.

But if I want a nice smile, I need surgery to pull my upper jaw forward, my palate split to create more width, and my bottom jaw pulled back to correct my bite.

More good news is that as this surgery would also prevent the occurence of Adult Onset Muppet Freak Syndrome, it would all be funded by our national health scheme. The bad news is that this is not what I had in mind when it came to free shit.