fourteen

It's kind of scary putting this stuff up here because it feels SO whiney and Hand To Brow Tragic to write out the memories in my head, when really, it's just life.

Which is what I do though. I tell myself that how I feel/felt isn't true, it doesn't/didn't matter, and is based on my own fantasy.

My childhood was great! I was the problem! They suffered though, because of me!

so I feel a) kind of embarrassed to be moaning and complaining, and b) guilty because THEY were perfect, and I WAS the problem.

Which I KNOW isn't true because if you're going to SAY that to a child, then your child is NOT the problem.

*****

I don't know what came before this, but fourteen is dirty. Hide her. Shove her behind you and do not look back.

But I KNOW I washed my hair regularly back then, and I KNOW I showered daily because I remember my parents bitching at me about it.

That's really all I remember. Flashes of being at school, and nothing of home, and dirty hair and being ashamed.

When I look at being fourteen, I can't see her face, it's hidden behind her dirty hair. I know her skin is a mess too. She picks at her skin, and all she sees in the mirror is freckles and scars, so don't notice her. Please please please don't see her.

Her mum should really take her to the doctor about her skin, because it's not that bad, but the picking is.

If my kid picked the crap out of her face, I'd be concerned not angry.

Everything about Fourteen is embarrassing. She can't go anywhere without being so aware of how awful she looks. she can't talk without hearing that voice, that awful lisp from that fucking plate in her mouth. Two years and counting and her teeth are getting worse not better.

I see this age and I wonder what on earth happened to this girl this past year. Seriously, what the hell happened?

****

Thirteen was destroyed by puberty. All the other girls' mums had put a brown paper bag with a pad in it in their school bags, but Thirteen had to steal one from her mum, and put in a paper bag herself. She's embarrased her mum hadn;t done it for her.

and she wants a bra so badly because she has BOOBS. Her mum tells her to wear singlets instead, but seriously? Singlets?! Obviously this mum REALLY wants her daughter to be a social outcast, or have all the boys tease her because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO, mum.

Getting her period was pretty exciting though because it's all the girls talked about because pretty much everyone was getting theirs this year

Thirteen was at home when she got it, and so glad her her best friend was staying over too, and her best friend had just got hers the week before and Joanne told her everything about what to do and squee! This is SO EXCITING.

Turns out, for Thirteen, it wasn't so exciting at all. it wasn't Crossing the Threshold Of Womanhood, it was the beginning of the end.

Thirteen's mum told her she'd have to keep herself REALLY clean now too, in case of the smell.

and at Thirteen her parents were already up in her grill about the daioy showering so, yeah. Right.

Highlight of Becoming A Woman was when Thirteen's brother had a blood nose all over the bathroom and her dad got angry at her and rewound the old It's Dirty bullshit on her thirteen and excruciatingly embarrassed about Girl Stuff ass.

Thirteen feels like it was ONLY about The Period, and with The Period came the Weight Gain. The PERFECTLY NORMAL weight gain that ALL girls go through at puberty.

Except Thirteen's mother didn't reassure Thirteen when Thirteen freaked out about The Thighs, The Hips, OMG, she agreed with her.

So Thirteen was also about the long, tortuous, and really fucking distorted relationship I still have with my body.

I still don't quite understand why Fourteen feels so dirty and ashamed though.

I mean, I CAN see it, but I really really REALLY don't want to.

****

To both you girls, I wish you could find someone to tell you you're okay. That your body is beautiful because it's meant to do a million billion weirdass things to you in one short year. I wish you had an older sister or an aunt or a school nurse or someone to tell you it's okay to want a bra, or that having your period isn't your fault. it's nature's timetable, you didn't mean to grow up to soon, you grew up when you were meant to.