rambling

Never in my life have I not wanted a child. I always knew I'd grow up, get married, have children.

Throughout the years of anorexia, my life, like my fertilty, was more surreal than real. I experienced very little during that time that affected *me*, so no experiences helped refine my concept of the future. Usually our plans for the future change according to what we experience in our present, but my plans remained static, in suspended animation if you like, because *I* remained static.

(da dum!)

I simply wasn't there for any of it, so my knowledge of one day having children never faltered because it was never challenged, because if I wasn't there, my future wasn't in jeopardy.

Or something.

My fertility, even before that time, has always been questionable. From the time I first bled at age 13, til when I stopped bleeding at all, my cycle never developed any predictability. At 21, the anorexia squished my already questionable cycle into the ground in the same way one would a spent cigarette. (she says, waxing lyrical) Yet there I was, with this 'knowing' about my future, unchallenged.

Now at 38, I'm finally developing some semblence of regularity, which is ironic as I'm also, unfortunately, getting a grasp of my new reality.

I'm never going to have kids.

Ever.

I don't feel I have a right to mourn my fertilty, or lack thereof, for reasons I don't even know. They're probably the same reasons I keep any sadness feel hidden, even from myself, because I have to keep pretending I'm okay in order to *be* okay.

I'm not okay. I'm rarely okay, fwiw, I just look like I am.

I've been entertaining the fantasy that One Of Those Things might happen. The one in a million shot ('shot'? LOL!*ahem* yeah, yeah, I'm five...) , you know? One Of Those Things where you try and avoid it but you end up pregnant anyway? Yeah well, I've deliberately been lax on the 'avoiding' part of the equation for over two years, and my fantasy world is (finally) looking a little blurry around the edges.

I'd rather go to bed and never get up, but I'll probably get up (like I always fucking do) and just keep going.

I know that life will only become what we want it to be if we make it so. I know it ain't all gonna be wine and roses if I don't do things today that will make it so tomorrow, and thats why I *do* keep going. I want the wine and I want the roses. I can't see them yet, but I'll never see them if I don't keep going. This though, this is something that, no matter what I do, I can't make it *be*.

Maybe I will go to bed after all.....