I must be in shock still. Yesterday was the funeral and I'm all Fine, Great, Superfantastic, Thanks For Asking!
And I mean it.
I think my brain is insisting mum's still living in Queensland and the last few weeks have been a really weird dream but still, nothing? wtf is up with that?
Little things try to get me but it's literally like a big, clangy door comes crashing down.
Take this morning, for instance.
I opened the bag of stuff the funeral director sent back, and the nightie I dressed mum in after she died to send her away in all clean and nice and whatever the hail was in there.
My eyes; I'm going to cry!
My heart; ow, that hurts.
My brain; Fuck that shit man *crash*
and it's not a conscious "no, I can't think of that!" deal at all. Thought or image pops in then *crash* then I'm literally unable to follow the image or the thought to access the emotion.
am I broken, or what?
(this is not a rhetorical question)