It rained all day yesterday, which I actually like, but it does cramp our social style, so yesterday we didn't even leave the house until after five pm, and then it was to go to the store to buy:
- a cauliflower
- and a twiggy stick for Daniel.
We had tried to leave the house earlier to get to the mall with its indoor teeny, tiny play ground, but on the way to the door, I tripped over a toy truck, and the ensuring chain of events didn't pan out so well.
- I swore.
- then I kicked that motherfucker to the end of the damn earth.
- but it was articulated toy truck so somewhere mid-air, became TWO projectiles.
- the lighter, less deadly end went that way.
- and the heavier, pointier, motherfuckinger other end torpedoed straight into Daniel's knee.
- (aside: which was a feat of magnificence because damn, I had NO idea I could kick loop shots like that)
Daniel almost cried but then COULDN'T because OMGAGONY, and I TRIED not to cry because it was MY fault and I HAD to keep my shit together for HIM because I just DESTROYED his kneecap -BUT OMFG I
JUST DESTROYED HIS KNEECAP - and there he was, clinging to me, his ATTACKER, unable to breathe and looking at me and wondering why why WHY his mummy just beat up on him.
I still feel sick just thinking about it.
He sat in my lap and held me tight and then the tears ran down his face but his mouth just stayed wide and gapey with no sound coming out, and I rocked him and told him it's okay and that accidents happen and it never ever means bad things and that I love him SO MUCH, and I only apologised once even though I wanted to keep saying "I'msosorrysosorrysosorry" amd KILL myself by way of penance, but I don't want Daniel to learn from me that saying it once and meaning it isn't enough.
And then he fell asleep, with his arms wrapped around my neck with his head under my chin, and both of us sitting awkwardly on the floor.
And then I fell asleep too, on the FLOOR, and by the time we woke up it was too late for the mall, hence out thrilling trip to the store.
We conducted surveillance on McDonald's afterwards though, and Other Kids were located, so we stopped and went inside. I drank a bucket of decaf cappucino and read the Sunday paper, and Daniel ran around like a lunatic with the Other Kids, and then we came home, him to a warm bath and me to a floor scrubbing session, which I do NOT recommend because scrubbing floors is bad for your health, if this headache I woke up with is anything to go by.
and after Daniel went to bed, I lost my mind.
I hope it's hormones, and know it probably is hormones (other women get PMS. aibee goes nuts between [effective] days 14 to 21) but it feels o real and I'm convinced I'm decompensating FAST.
Today is day 21. I get to go back on 1.25 mg of Valium* this morning and I get to go to the gym and spin through this My Life Is In The Toilet No One Loves Me conviction, and will no doubt be flying with the fairies by 11.20 and wondering what in fuck THIS *gestures widely* was all about because, bunnies, kittens, etc.
Also, today is for blood tests**, which in part explains why I'm up so early. The other part is explained by the waking up every. damn. hour until now, at which point I figured I might as well get up and be (semi) functional.
*four and a half days on, two and a half days off.
Days on = 1.25mg x 2 + 2.5mg at night.
The 2.5mg kicks my ass, but means I don't wake up feeling like agonised shit.
The 1.25mg makes me MORE energetic, gives me CLEARER thinking, and greatly improves my and my son's quality of life. My doctor says this is because a) constant pain and b) my dandy stressfree life AHEM are Heavy Duty, and just enough muscle relaxant redirects the energy it takes to keep mah shit together to doing shit like, you know, actually LIVING.
**because NO SHIT I did another round of Air Traffic Controller insemination. Huzzah.